howling

The eerie, ululating calls of a fox woke me last night.

I ponder Maslow's hierarchy of needs. My basic need for safety is not being met and it has nothing to do with spending my summer among foxes.

Inside, I'm howling too.

tools for a rainy day

Scratchy old blankets in Sixties' colours, scratched Gilmore Girls DVDs on the laptop, a packet of crisps and cheap wine.

between novels and eagles

Four days into my long summer holiday.

Four hundred pages into my eight-hundred-page fantasy novel that is guaranteed to sink me into blissful holiday mood.

Halfway through my first-week-of holiday restlessness.

The sun is undecidedly weaving in and out of clouds. Mornings are chilly dew, fragrance of clover, chittering wagtails. Afternoons are bare feet and coconut sunscreen. Evenings are huddling in a sweater in front of a fire, telling tall tales to family.

I have watered an oak, screamed "eagle!" and crawled on my stomach.

Further adventures await.

lions in her heart, a fire in her soul

Anxiety attacks - when you feel as if you're literally dying or going mad, or both, for no good reason. You can't breathe, can't think, and your heart is about to explode. I had attacks like these for a while last winter. Next to the death of my father, they were by far the worst experience I've ever had.

The strange thing about this crisis is that it brought a lot of things to my life, all of them good. I eat healthier food, exercise more, try to avoid stress, allow myself good things. But of all these necessary life changes, two stand out as by far the most effective:

1. I'm more open towards my friends. I ask for their help instead of stubbornly try to cope on my own. I share my weaknesses and get involved in their lives. I also went to therapy sessions with a professional. As a result, when I'm cold and lonely and panic is pressing in, the support of others is like a warm blanket to wrap myself in.

2. I realised, with the help of my therapist, that I set impossibly high standards for myself. This makes me harsh and judgemental towards myself, which creates stress that brought on the anxiety. I'm learning to be merciful. To change my negative self-talk to encouragement and kindness. To allow myself rest and recreation when I need it. To not conquer all the world in one week.

Now, six months later, I feel OK. I'm still taking the antidepressants a doctor prescribed when I begged for help but I will try weaning myself off them soon. Occasionally, very rarely now, I feel as if another attack might be lurking in the shadows but that I will be able to deal with it.

I know that I'm skirting dangerously close to burnout and exhaustion and that I must be careful not to burn my candle at both ends. I never even realised that this is what I do - I see myself as a laid-back, almost lazy person. But constant, negative self-criticism, fretting about all those dreams not yet fulfilled, and filling my waking time with information overload from social media - this can break me sooner than I thought.

I'm learning to listen to my body and my mind and give them what they need.

taught to be tiny

“As women, we are taught to be tiny. To have small bodies, to never be imposing. The ideal of our gender are thin and childlike, hairless and dainty. We are defined by our bodies; defined by our control over them. We are taught to obsess over our physicality and to be repulsed by our desires and intelligences. We are taught to walk scared late at night. We cradle our keys between our perfectly manicured fingers, walking gracefully like a baby antelope in a herd of lions. That our virginity defines our character. That I am a frigid bitch if I do not fuck him, and a dirty slut if I do.”

(Michelle K.: "The Truth About Growing Up a Woman")

boring day at the office

Meanwhile, in the garment industry, I dug through the office fridge for some butter. Behold my findings:

Ketchup
Antibiotics
Kahlua liqueur
Czech beer
Beets
Kippers
Anchovies
Sardelles
Ginger
Soy sauce
Snuff tobacco
Capers
Pomegranate-flavoured mineral water
Fig jam
Cranberry jam
Cranberry juice
Lactose-free milk
Barbecue sauce
Pickled cornichons
10 small packets of wasabi sauce
Container of something unknown with rice

There was no butter.

study the science of art

“To develop a complete mind: Study the science of art; study the art of science. Learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.”

(Leonardo da Vinci)

silk and anger

On a hot summer's day, I have brunch in the shade on the balcony, clad in buttercup yellow silk. Staring at the sea, talking to the neighbour's cat who is tight-rope walking between balconies.

I walk to the island of my dreams. Through fragrant woods full of birdsong, past beaches teeming with the playful and the sun-worshippers, along abandoned railroad tracks smelling of hot steel.

There was a lot of anger and bitterness in me. It melts away somewhere among all this.