a wall between us

I like the prison. (I live near one.) Seeing it feels like home.

The red tile walls, the barbed wire and the surveillance cameras remind me that I'm not the only one in the world who feels trapped sometimes. That not everyone is living the dream. That people can hit rock bottom and get back up.

Even a prison has a daily life. I see deliveries of timber to the carpentry shop, the van that takes prisoners to the court building, the floorball team from the outside which comes once a week to play against the prisoner team, the tired-looking ladies who leave late in the afternoon after their work in the kitchens, the church people (all dressed up) who sometimes visit on Sundays, the relatives and girlfriends who patiently wait for the main gate to open for the weekend visiting hours. I see prisoners in the yard, lifting weights, playing darts or just walking around. They never look up at the sky.

Sometimes when I walk past and the prisoners are sitting at the window in what is probably a common room, they wave at me. I always wave back. Hello, neighbours!

Hey now, hey now  
Don't dream it's over 
Hey now, hey now  
When the world comes in  
They come, they come 
To build a wall between us 
We know they won't win

(Crowded House: Don't dream it's over)

what my mind said at work today

- I'm tired.
- How come I have to type up all these hand-written lists?
- How come I have taken two classes to learn Excel and STILL don't know how to use it??
- Having a cheese sandwich for lunch is really getting old.
- God, I'm tired.
- Isn't it coffee break time yet?
- Oh no, not that customer again!
- That man better stop smiling right now or I will plant my fist in his face.
- What am I doing, checking Facebook again?
- Can I skip volleyball training tonight and still maintain my self-respect? No? Damn.
- Everyone should really feel sorry for me.
- Seriously, it can't be only 3 pm. It was 2 pm three hours ago.
- Didn't you hear me, I'm TIRED?

how to walk through October

Make a different October. 

Put on a pair of boots that not only look great but will take you miles. And a thick coat, with a hood and with pockets that can store anything from your smartphone to a bottle of water and perhaps a half-eaten sandwich - the kind of coat that you can huddle up in, if you don't want to be seen or if rain is lashing down, and feel warm and safe in.

Then start walking the streets of the city. Even if you think you know the streets of your home town and know there is nothing really worth seeing. Even if you don't know why you're not with your friends or fleeing reality in front of the TV. Even if your heart aches because you can't get away to see other cities and other, more exciting, streets - especially then.

Walk aimlessly. Think of nothing. Pay attention to details - to the dirty asphalt, to bright windows behind which people are living their lives, to a million wonders like a sunray through tree branches, a beautiful wrought-iron gate, the glimmering diamonds in the jewelry shop window.

If you feel vulnerable and sad, stick to empty back streets and take comfort in the beauty of the gardens you walk past. If you feel brave, watch the people - there is so much beauty to see in them as well, in the broad shoulders of a strong man, in the long legs of a teenage girl, in the tentative smile of an old lady. Entertain your curiosity and ask yourself what that man is buying his daughter at the fast food kiosk, why that lovely girl is in love with that weird boyfriend, what that tired-looking shop assistant is thinking about right now.

In a city centre street at noon you will feel the immediate and strong pulse of the world. In a quiet street at dusk you can catch your breath among trees in vivid autumn colours and - best of all - hear the birds singing (they do it for you). If you're lucky, you can find a dog to pet.

And even if you are not at the moment in that other city where you long to be, you can take a deep breath and know that in this moment, there is nowhere else you need to be.

I impressed the Taj Mahal

Automated message from Twitter in my email inbox: "Taj Mahal India is now following you on Twitter."

I hadn't followed Taj Mahal on Twitter myself. To be honest, I had no idea the Taj Mahal was even into tweeting. And how does it choose whom to follow? Is an obscure nobody from a faraway little country, with a grainy picture, only a scattering of followers and rarely tweeting at all, really the obvious candidate?

Anyway, I'm not complaining. I must have done something right if Taj Mahal India is following me on Twitter.

bored in a bookshop

Workplace boredom.

It usually hits around 3 pm. It doesn't always. Only on days when I have a sleep deficiency and hence an unwillingness to take on the more demanding tasks (this sometimes includes reading) that would otherwise keep me occupied.

Then I sort postcards or go wild with the discount stickers on books I don't like.

Or call my mum and say: "Can I come over after work? Can we eat something?"

Although if I had a bookshelf that looked like this I probably would find something to do.

this week's love list

Peanut butter on crispbread.
Roaming the streets.
Be Still by The Fray.

Google's little (or not so little) animations - fun, creative, educational.
Freedom.
Skintight jeans with fur-trim boots and a tunic.
Cleaning out my closet and getting rid of stuff - even when it gets slightly OCD.

White Collar (as usual).
Staying home alone.
Being a woman.
Encouragement.

a dump(ed) person after all

Uh oh. I might have hurt poor Anonymous' feelings (his/her heartfelt ones, about the jewelry). I'm not getting spammed anymore.

And here I was already thinking my blog was turning into one of those interesting, dialogue-based meditations on the meaning of life, the universe and pearl bracelets.

a dump person no more

I seem to be getting spam comments on my blog these days. I love spam comments! They are absolutely adorable and give me great enjoyment when I think up courteous replies.

This comment was left on my blog entry "this saved a wretch like me", where I inanely rambled about my breakfast and my coach potato day:

"Good day, sun shines! There have were times of hardship when I felt unhappy missing knowledge about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person. I have never thought that there weren't any need in big initial investment. Nowadays, I'm happy and lucky, I started take up real income. It's all about christmas jewelry that is incorporate it in real deals, and shares the black pearl bracelet with you. If you get a chance pop up by my page, maybe you would like cultured pearl earrings."

Aaww. Doesn't it just melt your heart? I feel I have really made a difference in poor Anonymous' life. In comments on later entries, he assures me I am inspiring and eye-opening and that his colleague bought him breakfast because of me. Bless his heart.

a walk-on part in the city

A walk:

* Forgot my scarf and regretted it.
* Lots of autumn leaves, one hit me in the face on its way down and very nearly left a scar.
* Shame and fear, my constant companions.
* The library: two novels, an essay collection on life in Moscow, a movie on DVD, a CD by Snow Patrol.
* Slumped over a table in the reading room with today's paper, bonetired and questioning the meaning of life.
* Sat in a burger place and pretended I was on the run in a foreign city (I've read too much fanfiction) and dreamed of a man.
* Lots of people, lots of dress styles.
* Low, heavy clouds, chilly, a surprising ray of sun.
* The shopping centre: looking for a headband and an English course book.
* The happiness of perfect denim and tall boots. Not to mention red leather.
* The convenience store: apples, crisps, chocolate, butter.
* Sat on a bench in the park by the marina, watched a big boat being taken out of the water, was slobbered on by a lovely dog, felt that I should sit in the park more often.
* Saw the weird ex-psychologist at least three times at different places during the walk. Not a stalker, he just happened to be wherever I went.
* Phrase overheard: "If you were an atheist, you wouldn't be sitting there."

home and breathing

Finding oneself is bloody hard work.

Not that I'm not myself in my daily life, pottering around in the shop, stopping by the grocery shop for bananas and eggs on my way home, listening to the chatter in the changing room before volleyball practice.

It's life and it's mine and I need it. But it's the real world, and I'm only at home among dreams. Whether I believe in them or not.

So I have to come home and look out over the bay, power up the laptop, and breathe deeply.

staff room confessions

Found a pediatrician sitting in the staff room at my workplace when I came for a cup of coffee. Before I knew it, I had ditched my normal inhibitions and was spilling my guts to him about my adjustment problems in this town for the last seven years.

The combination of a doctor's authority and a fatherly attitude always knocks me flat.

this saved a wretch like me

Today's definition of the grace of God, courtesy of a sinner (myself):

Curling up on the sofa, rain lashing the windows, lazy brunch on toast, chicken with blue cheese, avocado, eggs, kiwi fruit, lots of coffee and lots of peace of mind... and watching Lie To Me.

dream reels and real dreams

Last night's reality: I was in handcuffs for stealing bread.

Today's dream: I'm watching the rain and waiting for the day to end.

Wait, no, sorry, it was the other way around, wasn't it? Yes. The first was a dream I had. The second is the reality. Always get those two mixed up.

my way home

(via outcamethesun.tumblr.com)

wolves, an Aaron and yellow pills

This is a discussion among friends, in the pub after the cinema. If you can guess the film, reward yourself with a Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Icecream.

"How come she just trusted him right away, a stranger turning up in the middle of a gun fight?" - "Well, he did have kind eyes."
"We never did find out if he had been in love."
"Why was he killed?" - "He had to go find some ammo."
"Imagine that those people just agreed to take them out to sea in their boat!" - "Well, she did say 'please'. With tears in her eyes."
"A physical enhancement of 1.5 % isn't really that much - you could achieve that just through exercise."
"Is that what you do at your job too, enhance people?"
"Wasn't it cool how he woke up all sweaty from a coma and the next minute was able to run around and fight for hours?" - "Lucky she screamed 'run!' at the right moment!"
"I don't think wolves really snarl like that. They are kind of quiet."
"Don't eat yellow pills."
"Only half of that virology theory is true, you know."
"If you live in a big house in the woods, you really only have yourself to blame if a psycho turns up to murder you."
"Wouldn't you like to have an Aaron coming to your rescue?"
"I wonder if seeing all the previous films would have helped or not." - "Well, I've seen them all and it didn't help."

Sometimes you just have to curl up in a chair in the darkness of the cinema. Allow your mind to float and just be entertained by cool sound effects and pretty pictures. Not think. Have your best friends and a Snickers bar nearby.

is Clyde staying behind?

Preciously rare sunrays of autumn are warming the cobblestones around our table. We picked a café table out on the patio because it's a long, long way to next summer and nostalgia is in the air. It's quiet and lovely.

Perhaps that's why we talk somberly and intimately about pressure, about expectations and limitations in a small town. Our deep-felt desire for freedom.

"Let's just go", I say impulsively, playfully. "To New York or London. We'll just go!"

To me, those are the most romantic words anyone could ever utter. If he said them, I would be helplessly his.

Well, I suppose not everyone can be a romantic. He is slipping from me, and I can't even bring myself to care that much. I'm too much of a romantic, even under this pragmatic and cynical exterior. I want love on the run, love in motion, Bonnie and Clyde (without all the dying), hand in hand towards the open horizon, sharing cold pizza and beer and love under starry skies before jumping on the next train somewhere else we've never been. Absolute freedom and endless love.

Not sure I could handle it. But I want it.

roses and slime

Today's collection of random quotes from the Little Shop of Harmony:

"I want to try this blouse on, could you put it aside for five minutes while I go home and take off my coat?"
"I will shut up now so you can write."
"You have to get some prettier greeting cards in. Red ones with roses."
"This morning I broke a bowl just like this one."
"Nowadays it's mostly slime that comes up in the mornings."