famous last gifts

Dad (pleased with himself): "I just bought you two Christmas presents!"
Me (skeptical and amused, because it's always Mum who does the shopping): "You bought me presents?"
Dad: "Yes. Motor oil and a spade."
Me: "Noooo, you're not supposed to tell me! ... Did you say motor oil and a spade?"

One day later, he was dead. As last conversations go, it was certainly memorable.

R.I.P., Dad. You were always my hero. I will love you all the way to heaven.

myself until the end

Everybody else is happy. Everybody else picks themselves up when they are not happy. Everybody else gets back on track when their life spirals out of control. Everybody else just makes it.

I am not everybody else. I am a reluctant rebel in the land of Personal Success One Way Or Another. If I am a failure I bloody well have the right to be a failure and PROUD OF IT. I raise my flag and sing my rebel song: I will not pretend. Myself until the end. 

overheard in a church pew

"Are you pregnant?"
"Of course! You?"
"No. Worms!"

november, Bach and a prayer

If you are real, then I want:

To rest against your shoulder and feel loved.
To be led by you somewhere, unthinking, in trust.
Eyes open in peaceful wonder.

the Despicable List

People I am sick of:

* arrogant people
* people who want to change you
* people who expect you to be like them (especially in religious contexts)
* people who pity you if you are not like them (in any context)
* people who expect God to be like them
* unreliable people
* liars, thiefs, hustlers and plain old cheats
* wife-beaters and men who don't even realise they see women as inferiour (plain old passive women-haters are ok though, at least they are honest)
* bloggers who post lots of pics of their kids
* people who tell you how happy they are and expect you to be happy for them. And peg you as a "negative person" if you don't succeed in being quite as happy.
* people of one-track-minds
* people who are "tolerant" (unless you have conservative views)
* people who voice strong opinions on matters they know nothing about
* people who laugh at you when you are emotional (even "lovingly")

I feel as if I have met at least one of each category during the past week. Does that mean:
a) I am a negative person,
b) I attract the worst kind of people, or
c) I need a holiday?

with my body, I thee worship

The good book says: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit?"

No, I did not know. Until someone came to worship and lit the candles on the altar, burned some incense, let the vaults echo with the harmonies of hymns. Made it glow.

Life is not lived solely in the mind.

midnight, and I'm with the sweet prince

Frailty, thy name is woman. Hamlet, in the middle of the night. Kenneth Branagh, I shall love thee forever.

No, really. I've never been a fan of Shakespeare. Or Shakespeare films. Until you started making them.

one of those invisible nights

Regenerating hair spray, new nail polish and a drink. I'm good to go. To sleep.

What is this life, when no-one sees you? Neither at your best nor your worst.

joy and other unmentionable things

The tragedy of our wealthy, self-realising society is that you never dare to voice your innermost dream to anyone anymore - not even yourself. The kind of dream that you don't know if you dare or even really want to realise even if you had the chance. Because if you mention your dream, people say: "What's stopping you? Go for it!"

And then you realise that you are too scared or lazy or overwhelmed by the task or afraid of disappointment... so you don't. And feel shame. Because everyone else seems to make their dreams come true. So your self-esteem sinks a little bit lower and your dream fades a little bit further.

So. I will voice my dreams. The ones that I don't know if I really want to remain only dreams or not:

* Sail in a (sub)tropical archipelago (biggest obstacle: afraid of big waves).
* Travel around the world - slowly - with a handsome, awesome and incredibly rich man and stay in five-star tree lodges and swim in pools with a view (biggest obstacle: don't know any handsome and awesome millionaires).
* Be a joyful woman who dances, rides horses, does new things all the time and fascinates people (biggest obstacle: simply not possible).
* Have a completely flat stomach (biggest obstacle: laws of biology).

being smart AND romantic

I gave myself two surprises today. Downloaded iTunes. And spoke French. NOT at the same time.

I have to go and lie down now.

call of the wild

My neighbour two floors down goes clubbing every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday night.

I know because she has a dog that howls when he's home alone.

I can't decide whether I should go clubbing too or get a dog.

ex post facto

I dreamed you had left me a note letting me know how to find you again. It's been nine years. I still wonder what could have been, sometimes.

stop and stare

Holy crap, I have not changed at all in five years!

my father and the cats

"Let's go see if we can see any cats."

One of my earliest memories - perhaps because it was a recurring event: I am little, crying because of fever or ear infection. The darkness in the middle of the night, no lights on, the helplessness of pain when you are too little to understand it, the exhaustion. But also my long-suffering father's arms around me, carrying me around and around the house in the middle of the night, trying to lull me back to sleep. His soothing whisper in my ear as we approach the living room windows. I always stopped crying as we looked out into the dark garden. There could be a cat out there, stalking around. I loved cats.

Now, many years later, with my father at a difficult and heartbreaking mental distance, I suddenly remember this. And I start crying again.

coloured lights and stampeding elephants

My circus history:

age 8-15: wanted to run away with a circus (because I had read that kind of books). I visualized being a breathtakingly beautiful lion tamer and living a dramatic life in a yellow circus wagon.
age 14 (approx): visited my first circus. It was tiny, far from glamorous, and the only animals were a couple of poodles but I was spellbound.
age 25: abandoned my circus dream definitely when a friend laughed his head off and said I would end up cleaning elephant droppings and forever regretting a destructive marriage to a violent knife-thrower called Vlad.
age 31: my second visit to a circus, this one English and genuine and huge, with all the right circus attributes and atmosphere. I took up my dream again, but this time my circus wagon would be one of those expandable caravans that looked so luxurious and I would share it with a very athletic lover. We would be carefree vagabonds lit by coloured lights.
age 35: read Water for Elephants by S. Gruen and realised the most romantic life imaginable would be spent on a circus train (staying clear of sociopaths and stampeding elephants of course).
age 37: my third visit to a circus. Was spellbound, analyzed the role of the circus as a critical voice in society and ate too much popcorn.

this will: - remind you

When you: - walk through the woods
you think: - is summer already gone?
and you: - miss the place that you call home
because you: - don't know if you belong where you are
so you: - doubt

But then you: - remember the good days and the good years
that are: - still so real in your mind
because they: - are part of you and therefore never lost
and you have: - not failed in any way
that is why: - a voice is whispering

Your best days and your blessed days are: - ahead of you

summer truths

* I find it hard to see the whole picture at a glance because my world view is made up of details.
* I have become a little bit shrivelled and closed by life's betrayals.
* Being loved is being allowed to feel sad or angry or grumpy or quiet or miserable or shameful - without having to fix it or pretend.
* One lie I have always believed is that I can expect happiness - thus, if I'm not happy, I've failed.
* I may be taking the road less travelled - I want to enjoy finding out where it leads without bitterness.
* I have the right to be accepted as I am.
* It is better to express your doubts than to lie to yourself.

to drive and drink

Drove for one hour due east with a friend to have a glass of white wine and then drove back.

But there was also the sunset over endless golden fields, harvesters, a sleepy museum, some delicious canapés, girl talk and the anticipation of coming home.

fine, fresh, fierce

At the beach:

Sun, summer, a world of smiles. A beautiful brunette with curly hair and long, suntanned legs is playing a tough game of beach volley with two handsome men who asked her to join them because they needed a skilled player. She dives into the sand to save a ball and later takes a swig from a water bottle before using the rest of the water to rinse off a scraped knee with an unconcerned air. She is among strangers but makes new friends and seems to be at ease with sweat and sand covering her tanned skin. But why shouldn't she? She is gorgeous and she knows what she is doing.

Oh to be that cool, that happy, at peace with yourself. I wish I was her. All the time.

it starts in my soul

That quality I love above all else in a man: a calm self-confidence, without a hint of arrogance or need to prove himself to anyone. That quiet harmony that allows him to care for others. To assume authority where needed or humble himself in order to put others at ease. That peace of mind that makes him seem fearless.

It is utterly irresistible. Literally makes my heart race and my knees feel wobbly.

I found that yesterday. The man in question also has lovely eyes, a gorgeous body, a sweet voice, a practical intelligence, a caring attitude, an incredible love of life, a cool job, fascinating interests, a boat, and a car with tinted windows.

And a gorgeous girlfriend.