go help your brothers

Once, on a flight, I ended up sitting next to a guy I knew but hadn't spoken to after he hit his girlfriend and I let her stay at my place and harboured very murderous thoughts towards him. Seeing as I next to never harbour murderous thoughts at all, this was significant. We spent the time on the flight talking about the incident and when we landed I had not forgiven him but had to admit to myself that people make mistakes and should at least be given a chance to redeem themselves.

A few years later, I heard that my best friend in school (whom I later got out of touch with) had gone through a very dramatic break-up with her husband. Rumour had it the police had to rescue her from him, a rather reliable source later told me a court had found the husband guilty of prolonged physical and mental abuse. Again, murderous thoughts. I contacted my former best friend to show my support, we exchanged a few private messages and what she told me seemed to confirm most of the rumours.

Around the same time, the husband started to hang out with some other friends of mine and I ran into him now and then. I'm not the confrontational type. Actually, I'm rather the people-pleasing, compulsively smiling type. The fact that I was chilly toward him and avoided his company spoke volumes about how much I hated his guts.

The problem was, as he was hanging out with my friends, I couldn't completely avoid him. The other problem was that, a few months after his divorce, he seemed to be working through his issues and becoming a very harmonious, stable, likeable person. He started going out with one of my friends. When my father suddenly died, the two of them showed me unwavering support and sympathy, and even though I never sought it from them specifically - I actually tried to avoid them both - it came to mean a lot.

In short, after a year or so, it had become impossible not to like the man even though I resisted valiantly. He was kind, compassionate, humble, supportive. One of the few who saw how lonely I was and tried to help me through it. I still didn't understand why he had apparently abused his first wife, and how he could live with it. I probably never will. For a while, I worried that his new girlfriend might be in danger but now I'm convinced she never will be. When his suspended prison sentence officially ended, I celebrated it together with him and a group of friends. Now, a few years later, this man is settled and happy, as far as I can tell, and has helped other men who are going through life crises of various kinds.

The other day, another friend of mine called me in deep, heartfelt despair. He had been arrested, thrown in jail, then transferred to a psychiatric hospital after literally beating his head bloody against the walls of his cell. The reason? He had been in a violent, physical fight with his girlfriend. This time, I held back my murderous thoughts and went to visit him in the hospital. I might put him in touch with my other, former wife-beating friend. He is now in the perfect position to help someone else and I know he is willing.

I still reserve the right to harbour murderous thoughts on this issue. But I know now that there is nobody who can't be redeemed. And once you are redeemed, go help your brothers.