controlled loneliness

"I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love."
 
(Kuba Wojewodzki)

at tension

I seek attention through the way I look, not through what I say and write. Which is very strange, considering my contempt for today's fixation with looks, my love of writing and my faith in the power of words.

But I don't seek a lot of attention. Sometimes I wish I was invisible.

airplane passing

"I heard an airplane passing overhead. I wished I was on it."

(Charles Bukowski)

wander off the edge

"She always had that about her,
that look of otherness,
of eyes that see things much too far,
and of thoughts that wander
off the edge of the world."

(Joanne Harris)

make room, pretty

Dark-eyed men are drifting around in the city centre mall these days, playing with their phones and greeting each other in Arabic.

My Finland is changing. Now there are men here who make eye contact, who say "hello, pretty", who make me smile and feel vaguely afraid at the same time. Not afraid of them. Of all the sudden changes in this world. Of losing my trust and my welcoming smile.

I'm thinking of how much I have to lose, when I really want to be the one who keeps giving.