A walk in crisp snow, cold hurting my skin. Bright sunshine on yellow leaves. Winter and autumn in a crazy mix.
Home again I light candles around my computer like some kind of pagan ritual. The last fly of the autumn is dying on my window sill.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
come on, take a guilt trip with me
The October wind is cold outside my window, here in my concrete suburb. I light a candle, pour myself a glass of wine and channel-hop between "The Two Towers" and the Eurovision Song Contest 50th Anniversary.
(...ooh, they had Riverdance! I know, I know, I'm completely pathetic, but everything Irish makes me teary-eyed...)
And in between all of this, I'm working on my masterpiece, my novel, my baby book.
How much is art worth, by the way?
Not my own tiny effort at writing something that will probably never be published anyway. But a huge thing like the filming of The Lord of the Ring? The Eurovision Song Contest that most Europeans regard with slight disdain but which most of us watch every year anyway? Each of these must cost millions to make, millions that could be used for feeding the poor or finding a cure for cancer. Each of these make millions too. Make millionaires out of a few people. Good for you, Peter Jackson.
I still go to the cinema. I paid the 8 or 10 euros per film to see the LOTR on the big screen. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of this trilogy and wouldn't have missed it for the world. But I still can't help feeling guilt. I remember the beggars I passed in the streets every day when I lived in Dublin and Cambridge and Helsinki. Here in my tiny city we don't really have beggars - the desperately poor do exist but they are hidden away somewhere. I still remember them.
This world. Why is is so complicated?
Why do I bring the entire world into my blog anyway? Must be drunk.
(...ooh, they had Riverdance! I know, I know, I'm completely pathetic, but everything Irish makes me teary-eyed...)
And in between all of this, I'm working on my masterpiece, my novel, my baby book.
How much is art worth, by the way?
Not my own tiny effort at writing something that will probably never be published anyway. But a huge thing like the filming of The Lord of the Ring? The Eurovision Song Contest that most Europeans regard with slight disdain but which most of us watch every year anyway? Each of these must cost millions to make, millions that could be used for feeding the poor or finding a cure for cancer. Each of these make millions too. Make millionaires out of a few people. Good for you, Peter Jackson.
I still go to the cinema. I paid the 8 or 10 euros per film to see the LOTR on the big screen. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of this trilogy and wouldn't have missed it for the world. But I still can't help feeling guilt. I remember the beggars I passed in the streets every day when I lived in Dublin and Cambridge and Helsinki. Here in my tiny city we don't really have beggars - the desperately poor do exist but they are hidden away somewhere. I still remember them.
This world. Why is is so complicated?
Why do I bring the entire world into my blog anyway? Must be drunk.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
to drink with a leprechaun
Feel a bizarre urge to go live in a castle without a roof, wrap myself in woollen blankets and drink whiskey in the company of leprechauns. It doesn't matter if it rains - I will create magical pieces of art and let my hair grow wild and red.
Where can I find a cheap flight to Ireland?
Where can I find a cheap flight to Ireland?
Labels:
alternate universes,
dreams,
the Irish saga
Thursday, October 13, 2005
i just saw a spark
How weird. Life is doing its best to break your back but still that little spark inside of you just refuses to go out. After fighting and struggling to get your life into order and survive being close to people you love, something makes you look up through your tears and suddenly notice how beautiful that worn-out tree outside your window really is. After dragging yourself out of bed in the morning, convinced that it will be the last time because it's just too much trouble, that first smell and taste of coffee unexpectedly makes you want to call someone and tell them how much you love them.
welcome back, life
I finally found a landlord who doesn't seem to suspect that I will trash the flat, keep thirteen wild cats as pets and open an underground brothel, which means I have a flat to rent. Actually the landlord is a landlady, maybe that's why? She didn't even ask whether I have pets. Which I don't. Yet...
I'm going to have my own life! I'm going to drink my morning coffee at my own kitchen table (when I can afford one) and watch TV sipping wine (both of which I will afford even if it means I have to starve). I'm going to write my novel sitting at the open window and I will feel so alive.
Welcome back, life. I was just on a break.
I'm going to have my own life! I'm going to drink my morning coffee at my own kitchen table (when I can afford one) and watch TV sipping wine (both of which I will afford even if it means I have to starve). I'm going to write my novel sitting at the open window and I will feel so alive.
Welcome back, life. I was just on a break.
Labels:
life universe and everything
Monday, October 03, 2005
landlords hate me
Am I not over him yet?
Oh, right, it's only been two days.
Took a day off from work. It's Sunday after all. Checked out a couple of more flats. Landlords and ladies don't seem to approve of me for some reason, even though I consider myself the ideal tenant. What is it? Do I smell?
Volleyball practice in the evening. Tried to play with my whole heart (and the rest of my body). I was born a lazy girl who likes to keep a distance to everything - doesn't work in volleyball! I mutter to myself throughout the game. Keep your eyes on the ball and when it comes your way, the world will perish if you let it hit the ground!!! Damn it.
But... when you really manage to focus and there is nothing else in the world except you and that ball - what a feeling!
Oh, right, it's only been two days.
Took a day off from work. It's Sunday after all. Checked out a couple of more flats. Landlords and ladies don't seem to approve of me for some reason, even though I consider myself the ideal tenant. What is it? Do I smell?
Volleyball practice in the evening. Tried to play with my whole heart (and the rest of my body). I was born a lazy girl who likes to keep a distance to everything - doesn't work in volleyball! I mutter to myself throughout the game. Keep your eyes on the ball and when it comes your way, the world will perish if you let it hit the ground!!! Damn it.
But... when you really manage to focus and there is nothing else in the world except you and that ball - what a feeling!
Labels:
life universe and everything,
the game
Sunday, October 02, 2005
looking for the castle
Dreamed that I was in a cottage that was about to get swept away by the sea.
Woke up to a day of sunshine and autumn leaves drifting by the window... just like the song. Went to look at a flat to rent. The city was busy with Saturday shoppers - felt a desperate longing to live there, in the middle of the city!
Flat was beautiful. Two rooms + big kitchen. Shared sauna in the attic. Best feature a balcony, the kind that you can close off with windows if the weather is bad. It even had a heater lamp and nice wooden decking. I pictured myself sitting there every morning with my mug of coffee, even when it's snowing. From there, if you reeeaaally try, you can even catch a glimse of the Baltic Sea.
But of course.... too expensive. When you're doing freelance work and mostly living on social welfare because there are no real jobs, it's difficult to find a place to live. The castle might have to wait a while longer.
Although it IS possible to buy a ruined castle in Ireland for about 100,000 euros. It doesn't have a roof and there are trees growing in the ball room... but hey, I'm not fussy. Ireland doesn't have central heating anyway.
Woke up to a day of sunshine and autumn leaves drifting by the window... just like the song. Went to look at a flat to rent. The city was busy with Saturday shoppers - felt a desperate longing to live there, in the middle of the city!
Flat was beautiful. Two rooms + big kitchen. Shared sauna in the attic. Best feature a balcony, the kind that you can close off with windows if the weather is bad. It even had a heater lamp and nice wooden decking. I pictured myself sitting there every morning with my mug of coffee, even when it's snowing. From there, if you reeeaaally try, you can even catch a glimse of the Baltic Sea.
But of course.... too expensive. When you're doing freelance work and mostly living on social welfare because there are no real jobs, it's difficult to find a place to live. The castle might have to wait a while longer.
Although it IS possible to buy a ruined castle in Ireland for about 100,000 euros. It doesn't have a roof and there are trees growing in the ball room... but hey, I'm not fussy. Ireland doesn't have central heating anyway.
Labels:
dreams,
Finland through foreign eyes
Saturday, October 01, 2005
how do you live your first day alone?
How do you live your first day alone?
Well, you could do the Swedish-to-English translations you've been putting off for so long. You can stare at the yellowing leaves outside your window and wonder what he is thinking of right now. You can go through the "flats for rent"-ads again and try to calculate whether you can afford a tiny place with a balcony. You can fret about what you could have said and whether there is love in your busy soul...
You can look at the piano. Only look. That's what you've been doing for so long, anyway. You can try to remember the reason you left magical Ireland to come back to a country where the first snow is expected in only a few weeks' time.
You can start working on your new life, sweetie. You can set up an account in cyberspace and hope the other lonely souls out there read this.
Well, you could do the Swedish-to-English translations you've been putting off for so long. You can stare at the yellowing leaves outside your window and wonder what he is thinking of right now. You can go through the "flats for rent"-ads again and try to calculate whether you can afford a tiny place with a balcony. You can fret about what you could have said and whether there is love in your busy soul...
You can look at the piano. Only look. That's what you've been doing for so long, anyway. You can try to remember the reason you left magical Ireland to come back to a country where the first snow is expected in only a few weeks' time.
You can start working on your new life, sweetie. You can set up an account in cyberspace and hope the other lonely souls out there read this.
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