my hot Australian beach boy

Have been spending more time than strictly necessary with my ex since we broke up. And I thought things were complicated before. Now this is very platonic. But very nice.

And then I managed to track down the one I once upon a time thought would be the love of my life and whom I lost forever... ok, for 4 years, when he disappeared out into the rest of the world. Thank God for the internet! He seems to be single. He also seems to be living on the other side of the world, literally.

Probably best to have him at a safe distance though. He can stay my little fantasy, the "what would my life have been like if..." when reality just is too much to cope with. Then I will curl up and watch the snow fall while I dream of deep blue waves crashing onto a hot beach in Australia, sand between my toes and a pair of muscular, sun-tanned arms wrapping around me while a throaty voice whispers into my ear, "I love -

holiday feminist

After Christmas with the family I can finally breathe again.

Strange how family life wears you out. Objectively speaking, it went well. No fights, no tears from my brother's kids and the dogs didn't knock over any candles. Santa Claus politely knocked on the door early on Christmas Eve as he is supposed to do, just after dinner, and interrogated the kids about their behaviour before almost falling asleep in a chair while everybody else was handing out presents to each other. Outside, the snow was gently falling and at the end of the evening I had to dig the car out of a snow drift, shivering in my best clothes.

Subjectively, though, I felt a bit like Bridget Jones. No boyfriend this year either and it doesn't matter how many I've had through the year - at Christmas I'm still the unmarried one, the hopeless case. Doesn't matter what I have achieved either. I will count as one of the children until I'm attached to a man.

Enough to make a feminist out of anyone.

Christmas last year I spent far away from all family, in London. I have good memories of sipping wine in a warm hotel lounge, swapping gifts with my friend in our room, laughing over a very different Christmas dinner in a Lebanese fast-food diner. I also recall walking around a completely quiet, shut-down, eerily empty city on Christmas day - I don't think there are many non-Londoners (or Londoners even) who have experienced the city this way, like a ghost town. We walked for hours (since public transport was closed) into the city centre and finally found one restaurant/pub that was open. It was absolutely packed with people and we could not even get a coffee, so we gave up and walked back to the hotel. Now thoroughly fed up. Almost there, we ran into a guy carrying a take-away coffee mug and in our caffeine deficit desperation we pounced on the poor guy to ask him where he had managed to find coffee in this backward town. He pointed out a tiny coffee shop around the corner and the day was saved. Never has a coffee tasted so good.

time for a volcano

I suddenly had an urge to go and see a volcano. Maybe it's a symptom of my rather boring (right now anyway) life on the flats of western Finland. The only mountain around here is a tiny little hill that takes 1.5 minutes to ski down. It's definitely not a volcano. From up there, though, you can see an enormous treeless flat: the crater made by a meteorite that struck sometime in the dawn of time. The reason you can only see it from the hill is the fact that the surrounding area is just as flat (only with more trees), so the crater does not stand out in any way.

Nine years ago on the Kilauea volcano in Hawaii: I remember stumbling across endless fields of old lava after dark to look at a stream of new lava pouring down the hill into the Pacific Ocean, creating an enourmous cloud of glowing steam. Maybe not the most dramatic of volcanic eruptions but Kilauea is (or was) the faithful one - at this time, the eruption had been going on for the last thirteen years (I think it has stopped by now) in a nice, controlled fashion which allowed the tourists really close. I was in awe. To me, it didn't seem particularly nice and controlled. This was nature, wild forces beyond anything I had ever imagined.

We spent a night on a campground on the mountain, not far from the craters. Our sleeping bags on the grass, directly beneath the open sky. And the sky was open - it rained most of the night. Despite this being the summer in Hawaii, we did not realise the nights actually get cold up on a mountain, volcano or no volcano.

But when the rain finally stopped I lay there - too cold to sleep - and saw all the stars in the sky blink into view. It may have been my imagination, but I thought I could hear the volcano rumble in a dark muttering beneath me.

more independent than intended

Day of Independence yesterday - Finland celebrating its 88th birthday. As usual a solemn, sober celebration. Due to poor planning on my part (eh, OK, to tell the truth I had almost forgot about this day) I didn't go out to see any of the parades or rituals in honour of the war veterans.

My favourite Independence Day tradition is getting a few friends together, stocking up on unhealthy food stuff, lighting candles and planting ourselves in front of the TV in the evening to watch the President's Independence Day Ball where all the celebrities and Important People are invited. Traditionally, you have to comment on the women's dresses, compete in how many Important People you can recognize and laugh at people tripping over each other in the crowded ball room of the President's castle. Even if you are too boring to have a good time, you can always exercise yourself intellectually by catching up on who are Important People in the republic of Finland nowadays and why - the ball is broadcast live on two TV channels (one in Finnish, one in Swedish) with a running commentary and interviews.

This year, all my friends seemed to have deserted me for various reasons. How sad. I pride myself on being an independent woman but it seems I need to go out there and get myself some more friends instead. Otherwise Independence Day gets a little too independent. I had no choice but to curl up in front of the TV all by myself. The only ones listening to my witty comments and intelligent remarks were the plants on the window-sill.

decadence, fine wine and jealousy

The ultimate lazy Saturday. I didn't even bother going out, been lying in front of the TV and the computer and only getting up to dig through the fridge for food. Experimented in making a sandwich of mussels and blue cheese - pleasantly surprised at the outcome, delicious with white wine. Watched Star Trek like in the good old days.

Decadence. It's good for me.

Yesterday had a few drinks in an Irish pub with a friend and then decided on a whim to go to a night club. The friend is a minister in the Lutheran Protestant Church where alcohol (not to mention clubbing) is usually frowned upon. Felt like I was doing the ultimate evil thing - leading a man of God astray. But he just smiled, drank his beer and said, "hey, Jesus turned 5000 liters of water into fine wine!"

My ex rang me while I was in the pub. He was going to watch a movie with an ex of his. I stressed the fact that I was out drinking with a guy.

Don't miss next episode of PianoPoet - the Soap Opera.