dawn darkest

Winter solstice and I am watching the dawn. Half past nine and we are only halfway to daylight. I wonder what they call this shade of blue?

All I want to do today is plant myself in a coffee shop and watch the Christmas shoppers.

good enough to smile at

Lambrusco and after-swim calm, Dido on the CD player and darkness outside. Persistent hunger and guilt. A candle and a few sparse Christmas decorations, an SMS from a friend. I should do laundry, wrap Christmas presents and get a good job. I want someone to love and that thrilling feeling inside. My money disappears and I can't stand any more good advice. I will take time to think. I pour another glass of wine and tell myself that life is here and now and it's good enough for now, good enough to smile at.

As soon as a good song comes on, I will make a dance floor out of my living room and forget the worries queuing outside my door. Because what more do I need?

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

(Dido)

laughing and killing in the Now

My adorable little nephew and my painfully cute little niece are trying to scratch each other's eyes out. I'm trying to keep them as far apart as possible but no distance is too great for sibling ire.

Still, how can anyone not love this little angels, however avenging they are? Children amaze me - they are always so in the Now. Everything is vitally important: a toy, a loose tooth, a best friend in kindergarten, the painful and exuberant waiting for Santa Claus - in this moment, this is all that exists in the entire universe. Every joy is without limits and every betrayal a mortal wound. There is no perspective- if your brother gets a slightly larger piece of the chocolate cake you wail over the injustice of the universe because you cannot understand that the next time the larger piece will be yours, or you will grow up and earn a larger salary than him so it all evens out in the end... The pain of childhood: you fight for your happiness at every moment and if you fail there is no consolation.

As an adult, I find myself for the first time thankful that I know not only the highs but the lows. By now, I know that what feels like the end of the world is not necessary that. I know that this too will pass.

I only wish it wouldn't apply the other way: I'm too well aware of the fact that the present joy will fade or be crushed. I have decided to fight this - my moments of joy and happiness I will savour as if it was my last day on earth. Because one hour of joy compensates for a day of sorrow.

I think my niece and nephew would agree, but they are busy killing each other right Now.

stormgazer, elf and other career options

Stormgazer. That's what I'm going to be when I've tired of being a candlestick maker. I'm practicing right now, in the comfort of my own armchair, while an autumn storm is hurling rain and rattling the windows. I don't recognise this December. Where is the snow? The cold? The glitter of Christmas Future? This is November still, outstaying its welcome, suffocating the season's cheer in its all consuming darkness.

I have been buried under a pile of work and existential angst. The smiles of some people helped me crawl out again - while the smiles of others, uncomprehending, only heaped more weights onto my burden.

But I am standing up again. Determined to be strong, true, beautiful, wise.

Stormgazer, yes. Or maybe I could be an angel. I have more career ideas now than when I was trying to make my choice on education and profession. If I could find a cheap flight to Middle Earth I would go there and become an Elf and talk to the trees. I stood in the forest one day not long ago and listened to the silence and actually hugged a tree (after carefully checking that I was alone). A strong, silent, comforting tree.

How I wished I could hear its song.