(This is a boat (not mine!) that somebody forgot to take out of the water before the sea froze sometime last November. It's still securely moored at a jetty. The snow will melt and the sea thaw out soon but the boat won't be much use to anyone.)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
picture evidence of change no. 3
From one who sees signs of spring...
(This is a boat (not mine!) that somebody forgot to take out of the water before the sea froze sometime last November. It's still securely moored at a jetty. The snow will melt and the sea thaw out soon but the boat won't be much use to anyone.)
(This is a boat (not mine!) that somebody forgot to take out of the water before the sea froze sometime last November. It's still securely moored at a jetty. The snow will melt and the sea thaw out soon but the boat won't be much use to anyone.)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
picture evidence of change no. 2
From the one who is too old to wear teenage clothes (it has safety pin decorations for goodness sake. I can only wear it in the solitude of my own home)...
lost treasure on YouTube
You know the feeling when something moves you deeply? So deeply that you feel the after-effects for days, or weeks, or months?
Sometimes that something isn't even impressive, like climbing a mountain or having someone finally say to you, "I love you". It could be something banal.
Like a YouTube-clip. I came across one a few months ago, just one of those commonplace ones where someone had put together clips from their favourite TV show and set it to their favourite music. But the music was really great - swelling, epic, melancholy. The kind that makes you think that if your own life was accompanied by a soundtrack like that, your life would be meaningful and epic and moving too. And the clips were from a show I knew and liked, one of those where people did heroic deeds and encountered tragedy and disaster and witnessed marvellous things and saved the world every now and then.
Something made me think of this video today. I remember back then, when I first found it, I watched it over and over again and bookmarked it on my computer (my old one, which now is broken). Then I forgot about it. Now I want to see it again. But of course I can't remember where I found it, or the name of the TV show or the music, or anything about it. Except how it made me feel.
So what search words do you use on YouTube in this case? 'Great music'? 'Heroic deeds'? 'That awesome show'?
I tell you, computer technology is still pretty useless. Or is it my life?
Sometimes that something isn't even impressive, like climbing a mountain or having someone finally say to you, "I love you". It could be something banal.
Like a YouTube-clip. I came across one a few months ago, just one of those commonplace ones where someone had put together clips from their favourite TV show and set it to their favourite music. But the music was really great - swelling, epic, melancholy. The kind that makes you think that if your own life was accompanied by a soundtrack like that, your life would be meaningful and epic and moving too. And the clips were from a show I knew and liked, one of those where people did heroic deeds and encountered tragedy and disaster and witnessed marvellous things and saved the world every now and then.
Something made me think of this video today. I remember back then, when I first found it, I watched it over and over again and bookmarked it on my computer (my old one, which now is broken). Then I forgot about it. Now I want to see it again. But of course I can't remember where I found it, or the name of the TV show or the music, or anything about it. Except how it made me feel.
So what search words do you use on YouTube in this case? 'Great music'? 'Heroic deeds'? 'That awesome show'?
I tell you, computer technology is still pretty useless. Or is it my life?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
the joy of Russian mud
Day of iron deficiency and cautious optimism.
Just before I woke up I dreamt I was walking along the mysterious plains in western Russia and suddenly my son and my dog (both of whom exist only in my dreams) fell into a bottomless mud pool and I had to pull them up. I managed to save the dog and felt profound relief. I didn't manage to save my son and felt mild regret. Is it allowed to have dreams like this? Feelings like this? I'm probably not meant to have kids, though I often feel pain over the fact that I don't. I'm probably meant to have a dog.
The most emotional part of the dream was, however, walking across the plains - a place I've never been. Flat and greyish-brown, yet enchantingly fascinating, with hills on the horizon. This is a recurring feature in my dreams - finding myself in strange landscapes, always with the same wide-eyed, joyful wonder that I used to have so often.
Just before I woke up I dreamt I was walking along the mysterious plains in western Russia and suddenly my son and my dog (both of whom exist only in my dreams) fell into a bottomless mud pool and I had to pull them up. I managed to save the dog and felt profound relief. I didn't manage to save my son and felt mild regret. Is it allowed to have dreams like this? Feelings like this? I'm probably not meant to have kids, though I often feel pain over the fact that I don't. I'm probably meant to have a dog.
The most emotional part of the dream was, however, walking across the plains - a place I've never been. Flat and greyish-brown, yet enchantingly fascinating, with hills on the horizon. This is a recurring feature in my dreams - finding myself in strange landscapes, always with the same wide-eyed, joyful wonder that I used to have so often.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
walk this way for an icy moment
Cold wind, warm sun.
Without my sunglasses, I would be blinded by the brightness. Wandering in a white desert, on the frozen sea. In the distance, a few scattered islets with plenty of holiday cabins waiting for the summer season. Somebody has plowed away the snow to make a road and there are tracks made by snowmobiles and skis but today I'm almost alone here in the silence of winter wilderness. Only one other person, a man who greets me cheerfully when we meet on the ice road - the companionship of two strangers alone in the middle of nowhere. As I turn back towards the city, I see a pale moon hanging over the apartment buildings on the shore.
I'm in a desert but nearby I see a power plant and an abandoned factory. I'm only a couple of miles from the city centre. Out on the sea. In a couple of weeks, the ice will be getting to thin for this. The seagulls are returning from the south - the sound of them calling to each other makes my heart melt, for this is the sound of spring. This is the magic of almost-Arctic winter turning to spring.
"Live a happy life!
Keep your eyes open for God, watch for his works;
be alert for signs of his presence.
Remember the world of wonders he has made..."
(The Message Bible, psalm 105)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
one minute, another minute, another minute
Hang out on FaceBook. Hang out on Twitter. Hang out on Spotify. Read random facts on Wikipedia. Check out the website of the local paper. Check out the website of a global news service. Browse friends' blogs. Browse random strangers' blogs. Check cinema listings. Check weather forecast. Play stupid online games. Browse for second-hand books. Browse for new DVDs. Browse for anything at all really.
And in the universe, the minutes are ticking away...
And in the universe, the minutes are ticking away...
Monday, March 07, 2011
colours, silence
I'm watching a sunset where there is also a sliver of crescent moon and a spot of aquamarine where the light of a lamp-post hits the snow and a HARE moving towards the light. And silence.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
mind full of mindfulness (or not)
Things occupying my mind a Wednesday in March:
* a man I can't have
* a man I could have had and still couldn't
* shame and emotional incompetence
* mother-daughter relationships, bad ones and good ones, biological ones and deeply spiritual ones
* whether there is someone else out there like me
* a possible walk out on the frozen sea in the sunlight and whether I have the strength
* whether I should visit people out of obligation or do things that bring me joy
* healthy and unhealthy independence/isolation
* a possible afternoon spent at the library
* whether I should go to church tonight and whether that would mean healing or embarrassment
* whether I'm ugly or not
* my hatred of the gym
* the daily struggle to keep one's head above the surface
A mind full of things, is that what they call mindfulness?
The plan for a free Wednesday in March (subject to change):
Finish my coffee, hit the shower, get dressed, take the car out to the sea and go for that walk, continue to the library. Later consider my next move. Or just drift. Depending on mood.
* a man I can't have
* a man I could have had and still couldn't
* shame and emotional incompetence
* mother-daughter relationships, bad ones and good ones, biological ones and deeply spiritual ones
* whether there is someone else out there like me
* a possible walk out on the frozen sea in the sunlight and whether I have the strength
* whether I should visit people out of obligation or do things that bring me joy
* healthy and unhealthy independence/isolation
* a possible afternoon spent at the library
* whether I should go to church tonight and whether that would mean healing or embarrassment
* whether I'm ugly or not
* my hatred of the gym
* the daily struggle to keep one's head above the surface
A mind full of things, is that what they call mindfulness?
The plan for a free Wednesday in March (subject to change):
Finish my coffee, hit the shower, get dressed, take the car out to the sea and go for that walk, continue to the library. Later consider my next move. Or just drift. Depending on mood.
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