destinies are troublesome things

in Thwil tonight

'This is the School,' the old man said mildly. 'I am the doorkeeper. Enter if you can.'
Ged stepped forward. It seemed to him that he had passed through the doorway: yet he stood outside on the pavement where he had stood before.
Once more he stepped forward, and once more he remained standing outside the door. The doorkeeper, inside, watched him with mild eyes.

Bedtime reading: The Earthsea Quartet by Ursula le Guin

 

highway lullaby by Jamie

Day 4 out of four days off. I have done only things that felt right (mostly lying on the sofa watching QI) and life has caught up with me and now nothing feels right. Not a single thing. Useless, useless, vanity of vanities.

After spending hours thinking about places I could go in order to get a new perspective, and rejecting all of them, I go on a road trip to the nearest town. There is nothing to see there, except an overgrown, abandoned park where I stroll in the mild September sun. I'm sure I look out of place dressed in black and leather among the falling leaves and the tall thistles. But the quietness of the trees and the fields nearby calms me.

But the main cure for depression turns out to be driving a car. Focusing on simple things and listening to Jamie Cullum sing "nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. No one's gonna hurt you, not while I'm around".

to draw and be drawn to

When I doodle, it used to be stars. Now it's hearts. Which is funny, as I don't have a high opinion of love.

But this year's favourite word is prince. And I have decided which are the two sexiest things in a man (abstract and concrete): self-confidence and strong hands.

and now over to biology class

Observation of the day:

Everything does not move at frantic, human pace. It always surprises me to note that a tree can stand still in the same place day after day. That a cloud can take a whole day just to get from one end of the sky to the other. That the birds don't feel they should be doing something more useful than fly around all day.

Annoyance of the day:

Fruits that are ripe on the outside and unripe further in - example: the avocado that was so easy to peel but impossible to eat and now it's peeled and going brown. And fruits that are unripe on the outside and rotting further in - example: weird nectarines.

National Geographic, feel free to publish this (and don't forget to pay me).

geography of laziness

List of places to spend my day off:

* My bed, for as long as possible in the morning.
* The library, especially the reading room, with a British Sunday paper.
* My mom's flat, for a late lunch, lots of cinnamon coffee, a tug-of-war with the poodle, some reading, a free haircut.
* My own sofa, with a dry cider, the internet and the box set of Before Sunrise & Before Sunset.
* My bed again, for dreams.

when I get rich I will buy

A cupcake.
Cooool vintage clothes.
A professional hair cut and hair dye.
DVD box sets for long winter evenings.
A nice bottle because "he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy". *
Dangly earrings.
A vanilla latte (bucket-size).
A copy of The Shack.
A journey around the world.

* said Samuel Johnson

the petrol pump date

Sometimes I love small-town life.

Like when it takes you a long time to put petrol in your car late one evening because the self-service pump has trouble reading your credit card but you don't mind one bit. Because at the other pump, having the same problem, is the guy you secretly fancy. And the autumn wind is still mild in your face and it's dark but safe, and you are on your way home to a hot shower and a hot cup of tea, your mind still full of the day's experiences. And you smile at the guy and joke about the card problem.

Then it is suddenly OK not to have the thrill of a foreign world around you. Because you have a world filled with family, and childhood memories, and friends you unexpectedly run into at petrol stations. And the man you are so happy to see - you know his name and you know you will see him again. Because this town is yours.

the weekend of wasabi and wrecking

If you have nothing better to do on the weekend, you can always go and look at pigs.
Or have a Chinese party with no Chinese.
Or listen to stories about babies being born in bank vaults.
Or hatch international plans.
Or watch teary-eyed guys have a wasabi-eating contest.
Or ask questions about daily life in a Russian city.
Or ponder what kind of walking aid you will want in old age.
Or have a typical Kenyan student dinner.
Or ruin your car.

if the planets are aligned

In the job interview, I was asked to list all the planets in the solar system. I did, prudently ending with the fact that Pluto is no longer a planet. I thought the job was selling books.

Apparently, the demands out there in the job market are much harsher these days. Astronomical knowledge required. It remains to be seen if I managed to impress. I didn't even forget Uranus.

sneak preview of God's plans

"... I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for..."

(Jeremiah 29:11, The  Message Bible)

flash mobs make me cry

I have to go to Heathrow Airport more often. I want a welcome like this!

if words could hug

It's OK. You don't have to try so hard all the time. You are perfect as you are. You are LOVED.

I went to church yesterday. These words weren't said there. But I felt them, as real as a hug. Shocking.

they love hamburgers more than me

When you are bored and/or introspective (and/or have that important but boring deadline looming), you can always browse your blog stats for entertainment.

Apparently the blog entry that attracted most page views by far on this blog is the one that rambled about some holiday beneath a McDonald's sign. Go figure. Have I benefited from the fame of a brand name?

Well, they do say McDonald's has managed to go almost every place where no multinational brand has gone before (possible with the exception of Coca-Cola, and perhaps Nokia?). Even the jungle. So why not an obscure blog in the unexplored taiga forests of the Internet.


(You may have noticed that I unashamedly threw in a couple more brand names here in the hopes of repeating the phenomenon.)

people in wondertown

Within one week I have met a woman with a blue nose and a man whose brain was clearly visible beneath the skin of his hairless head. And there is no circus in town.

as much a woman

Things I couldn't stand:

* Having to get out of bed several times a night
* Having a house littered with broken toys and stains of every description, feeling the despair of ugliness
* Having to entertain by playing peekaboo and reading silly stories when you'd much rather be writing something incredible or watching the clouds

And to think I actually wanted a child. I suppose God knew better after all. I could have spared myself all those moments of bitterness.

go create!

A deadline coming up, for a difficult and boring work task.

You sit yourself in front of the computer with a sigh.

Suddenly you have an irresistible urge to write The Great Novel.

can I add letters to my title?

Job interview coming up.

My first since those horrible years when I went from interview to interview and everybody said NO.

At least this time I don't have to get the job. Although it would be nice. More than nice. It's at a publishing house!! I never dreamed of even making it to an interview at such a place.

The books and me. We were made for each other.

a tale of three princes

Charming, Bad Boy or Safe Harbour?

* A slightly goofy but spiritual guitarist with exuberant charm towards everyone.
* A darkly handsome volleyball player with whole-hearted, live-in-the-now devotion and an irresistible aura of potential danger.
* An outdoors enthusiast with practical skills and an absolutely enchanting, fearless calm.

I'm in love. But with which one? And I'm also in fear. So what to do?

2006: the unchronicled year

* A boring New Year where the only excitement was almost colliding with a herd of deer in the middle of the night (really, deer! Elks would have been boring).
* "... my problem solving method is to go straight onto the main issue and then state that everyone just needs an attitude adjustment..."
* Lived on the second floor of the basement, with a view of an industrial age castle (Suomen Rehu) and a kitchen containing a dancefloor and constant moonlight.
* Dreamed of being an archeologist and sitting in a muddy, rainy field in Ballygobackwards. Alternatively a marine biologist, travelling the seven seas. Alternatively, a Riverdance dancer.
* Discovered that if you work for yourself, you hate your boss.
* Took a course to learn the language of my own country better and felt more of a stranger than when I was actually living in strange lands.
* Luxury at the Grand Hotel Tammer, weirdness at the Lenin Museum, sledding down a hill late at night, being exotic and attractive just by speaking English.
* Shared a flat for 3 weeks with a suicidal and life-loving German.
* Suffered from the Finland syndrome: Not achieving enough, knowing enough, being beautiful enough, being a health freak enough.
* Was dedicated an original poem by text message.
* Gained a Thai nephew.
* Enjoyed being a hermit. Also enjoyed pub nights with my three knights in shining armour - a minister, a pastor and an expert on commercial law.
* Cried a lot in church pews.
* Moved to the sea.
* Midsummer celebration on a deserted island with good friends. With the open horizon on every side, sunsets going straight into sunrises and the constant wind singing between the bare rocks.
* La France: the decadence of dark chocolate and even darker espresso by the seaside in Normandy, troglodytes and Neolithic stones, the luscious Loire with fairytale castles, being scared in the back streets of Le Havre, thunderstorms in Chartres, dinners on bread with Camembert, local wine and sweet apricots.
* Joined a Greek-Orthodox monastery for two days, admired the monks and their berry wine.
* Found the secret garden of Helsinki.
* The first summer in the history of mankind when Finns have actually longed for rain. I spent it in Eden.
* Saw a real king and queen, up close, and pitied them.
* Found the aliens in my home town and finally felt at home. Many an interesting night with a bunch of Africans and some Colombian teenagers.
* Researched identity.
* Became a cynic. 
* Interpreter and volleyball player - back to my mission in life.
* Ended the year like I started it: with deer. A good steak this time.

The year? 2006. The purpose of this blog entry? To contribute to the Useless Information Archives.

p-off p-poet

They say that in complete silence you can still hear two things: your own blood circulation (a low-pitched noise) and some degree of tinnitus (a higher-pitched one).

I will add to my silent room the noise of typing and sighing. I am pissed of with mankind and will bury myself in work for a week.

I covet

Because it looks like something that could have been unearthed at an archaelogical dig in Shropshire.

While we're at it, I also want a pair of looong, dangly ear-rings with pearls and feathers.

what do stars do? shine!

Maybe I will, after all. Try my luck in Hollywood (or rather the British equivalent). In my next life.

The fact that it won't be in this one doesn't bother me. Because I have started to dream again!

I will work with something that is really, really fun. And I will get lots of attention and feel incredible. I will sit back, relaxed, during interviews about my latest project, be myself and be loved for it.

Meanwhile, waiting for that life: I will sit back in this one, relaxed, talking to friends and strangers. Being myself and being loved for it. WHY NOT?

mission statement

To make people realise who they are in the company of God himself.
To make people believe in themselves.
To make people love life.

To always drink coffee out of a mug with funny pictures on it.
To never buy postcards unless I'm abroad.
To force someone to invent hair dye that never grows out.