the dregs of a blogger's mind

Does every blogger have those blog entries that (thankfully) never made it past the draft stage?

Going through my blog I found quite a few never-published entries, most of them no more than a couple of sentences long. Some of them end in the middle of a cryptic phrase - I seem to have an incredibly short attention/inspiration span. For the benefit of my heirs I hereby publish them anyway. Or at least excerpts of them (cropped out of context they suddenly seem much more interesting). But some of them are actually the whole thing...

"Fell in love with that cute guy from CSI:NY and then I found him IRL."

"BOHEMIAN CHIC!"

"The devil himself is probably on FaceBook."

"I scrubbed a 20-foot sailboat with a toothbrush..."

"...what soul-choking acceptance..."

"God sits down next to me."

"Lurking darkness all around, sore throat, breakfast on karjalanpiirakka."

"Twice in my life I have run away."

"Autumn's first frost and a sales rep arrives at the Little Shop of Harmony in his big blue bus full of books just for me."

"'How can I help you? What can I do to make your day better?'"

"...a poem must have meter, fancy sequencing and chime..."

"The city of Brussels also had a pair of dangly earrings."

"Joseph (in Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat) meets his father... Runs to him but stops just short. Instead of falling into his waiting arms, just stands there looking him in the eye."

"My cane and I had lunch with Xena the Warrior Princess. She had got an axe and a chain-saw for her birthday."

"He tends to suddenly die on me."

"Someone talked to me as if I were stupid today. The computer gave me a meaningless chaos of numbers where..."

"...the shadows in the deserted restaurant are deep and I turn up MTV to drown out all the little noises (in my head?) that make me nervous..."

"My old teacher of history stood beneath the Monument of Liberty, straight-backed and proud. He spoke of legendary General Mannerheim..."

"The beauty of blue... at dusk, the twilight hour that I love best. Forgiveness and comfort instead of the harsh demands of dawn."

"I met him in a lift, a middle-aged, fairly ordinary man with thinning hair."

my not-meant-to-be

Excerpt from the Mostly Secret Diary of a Foolish Girl:

He comes looking for me.

We idle for hours, sharing food and hugs, dreams and silly jokes, almost-forgotten memories. Nobody knows me like he does. Nobody else remembers that I like salmon, once had a dog that used to bite, dream of learning how to handle a pistol. He can tell me stories about my favourite school teacher from more than a decade ago. He listens to my crazy stories about my ex-boss that he's never met. He asks me about the things that matter to me. He laughs at my jokes. He doesn't only know my past, he understands it.

My soulmate. But every time, we go our separate ways. My wayward soul stubbornly demands solitude.

me and the wildlife

They shot a bear not far from here recently as he was heading into town and upsetting the morning commuters. A wolf has been sighted in the woods across the bay - if he had a mind to, he could stroll across the ice towards me. The regional newspaper ran a story about a hare who fought three crows and apparently killed at least one of them. Of course they all got their 30 seconds of fame on YouTube (found here and here).

I live in a town of about 60,000 people and apparently not a few wild things.

the music makers and dreamers of dreams

Finches, starlings, thrushes, sparrows, swans and, above all, cranes...

Their music soothes me when the sun of spring, that slavedriver, makes other Finns swoon with happiness.

half-moon day and everything by halves

In the Little Shop of Harmony - grey skies and few customers. All I have sold so far is a book, plus a few trinkets from the second-hand basement. My work morale and morals are scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Shopping list for after work: Wine. Cheese. Muesli. Eggs (from freeranging chickens). Lots of fruit. Ingredients for a salad. Maybe some chicken. Chocolate (not as much as I would like). And something cheap and dramatic and gorgeous to wear.

Then home to watch CSI:NY and dream of America.

girl, woman

Met a young girl and saw myself eons ago. That sparkle in innocent eyes, the joy, the dreams of wonderful adventures.

And later, staring into the mirror in the ladies' room, saw myself today. That weary look, the cynicism, the fear of a life hopelessly spinning away towards a scarier horizon. But also, a little bit of wisdom and a diamond core. The knowledge that I have seen so much and not yet perished. The comfort in knowing even broken dreams can be survived.

Sometimes I wish I was a teenager, with all the giggles and glossy hair and secrets between friends. But I took another look at the girl and then went on to do what a grown-up woman is meant to do. Gave her the help she needed just then; an opportunity, encouragement, a vote of confidence, a little bit of calm and wisdom.

We help each other grow.

that night of English heartbreak

Woodstock Night

Just knocked over a glass of sparkly white

My heart-breaking party all by myself

Smell of food in the Window Sill Room

Pool of light from lonely lamp

Chill of English spring night

I’m in the world and feeling the pull of home, real life, somewhere far down there

Tonight I’m crashing towards the earth

Crying on my knees, screaming for home

You who led me here, where are you now?

I followed you with a trembling heart, eager and proud

Life among strangers I thought I could handle but tonight

The weight of an empty universe all resting in the Window Sill Room

on Chaos Road

Drinking: red wine

Reading: Special Topics in Calamity Physics (M.Pessl)

Mood: restless

DVD stopped in the middle: Andromeda (Season 4 episode 2: Pieces of Eight)

On mind: family and crisis

Day: work, hospital visit, cell group

Needs: direction, a car, a dog, money and a wireless modem

Phrase of the day: The All Forces Nullification Point (from Andromeda)

Cell functioning: O led discussion on Rebecca from Genesis and tried to teach us to listen to God, J and C said little, I voiced mainly doubts

Was invited to: go sledding with church youth, declined

Life heading towards: chaos

the lesson of the thousand-year valley

My magic place, what is your secret?
What has your wisdom taught me?

That life is hard and words have knives
But the laughter of friends is healing
That the deepest lake with the coldest water
Sends waves of peace to its shores

That a hidden valley has its very own magic
Teasing and teaching a lesson
What I think is a banshee is sometimes a deer
And a drunk is the fountain of knowledge

That people fight and people give
That a chef with no ladle is timid
That it's hard to love, that a dance sets me free
And a whiskey is best mixed with tales

That cosmos is here and I'm in the middle
It's whirling around me, a storm and a dance
The lives of people, their darkest hour
When your riddle is weaved into mine

That beautiful mysteries tiptoe close
If I listen to souls that are weaker
That music flows the fairest from those
Who are two steps away from destruction

That all I need for an evening of joy
Is a meal, and wine, and a friend
That a church can sleep for a thousand years
And still bring strength to my spirit

That all things are near in Ireland
God, glamour, a joke
The sea, a castle, a blazing fire
A Spaniard who laughs on the bus

That stars of Hollywood smile at you
But a farmer may steal your heart
That small, small lights can warm your room
In the rage of a mountain storm

That I long to go, and come back again
To my attic above the bar
That I can do much more than I think
When my heart is strong, and my spirit

We are fighting a battle and running a race
While sparks are flying around us
As we share a drink in the midnight hour
After saving the world that is ours

an American with good sense

"Will you seek afar off? You surely come back at last,
In things best known to you finding the best or as good as the best,
In folks nearest to you finding also the sweetest and strongest and lovingest,
Happiness not in another place, but this place ... not for another hour, but this hour"

(Walt Whitman)

purple: the colour to wear in a blizzard

Blizzard, snowdrifts on city streets and a limit to how much you can endure. Snow-clearing services nowhere in sight and probably won't be until after the storm. No parking spaces. Risk your life as weeks of ice falls off roofs onto the sidewalks.

Shopping with friend:
handicraft shop where the male owner is a married closet gay and the female one (his wife?) looks very butch and has the shadow of a beard;
a bookshop where the window broke when a gale threw the door open;
perfume testing (Calvin Klein and Diesel);
vanilla latte and brownie with "what do you regret in life?" and "did you know one of your FaceBook friends has a famous friend - no, I'm not telling you which one".

On me the season's powerful purple and my doubts faded with the softness of the velvet.

I wish these rosaries away

At this Irish wishing well, said to have been discovered by Oscar Wilde but probably ancient, is where my soul always take a slightly pagan turn. Are there faeries over there in the mist and why do I feel intoxicated?

Sadly, the wishing tree has been vandalised. The ribbons and trinkets tied to it by hundreds of wishful people have been removed and tacky plastic rosaries stuck to it instead. That is just wrong.

My wish: May this place always be home and may I keep returning.

Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of Aran goes around and around...

at Peace of Mind Beach, Ireland

I picked a red and white stone on an Irish beach. The wind was wintry but mild to skin that is used to northern climes. The gentle softness of the air felt like home.

Acrid and wonderful smell of turf fire. The knowledge that after our walk, there would be a cup of hot tea. Soothing voice of the sea in deep winter. A quiet rain that does no harm.

A lost dog ran past us while we discussed deep secrets only shared by friends. Muscled men with surfing boards braved the cold water and someone was riding a white horse where the sea met the sand. The sun glinted between clouds in a reddish sunset.

"Can we stop at Tesco's on the way home?"
"Yes, I want to get some Cadbury's Crème Eggs. And white chocolate chip cookies. All the good stuff... Let's do a TV dinner tonight and get a bottle of wine!"

And literally, not a care in the world.

2009: swiss trains, UN peacekeepers and all the rest, part 4

Being one year wiser, I also now know: * Only a truly idealistic heart can produce real cynicism. * My body remembers the sound of the door to my primary school classroom even though my mind does not remember what I learned there. * Beauty and a gourmet meal can be found in a fast food joint with dirty tables and strip lighting when your dinner companion is a good man. * A hug from a UN peacekeeper, tales from Afghanistan and a game of pool in a pub is an excellent way to spend an evening. * I may have been born to learn the English language. * I may have been born to encourage the discouraged. * Changing a tyre is easy but you should not handle methylated spirits if you know nothing about car engines. * It is necessary to take sick leave once every ten years. * Beer is drinkable. * Driving through the night is not as romantic as it sounds, even if your destination is Sweden. But when the result is a van-load of books, it is almost worth it. * I doubt that I am loved. * I may have been born to discuss science fiction and God over a drink in an Irish pub. * Translating leadership material can save someone's life and all the best things in life are free, including my voluntary work. * A wheat heater pillow can repel the swine flu. * I may have been born to quietly observe the madness of the world with irony and delight. * Driving aimlessly through the countryside is just as romantic as it sounds, even if you come across an ancient execution site. * A tiny Finnish river can look just like the Loire if you have an open mind. * My dream tree is still growing. * Two weeks before the winter solstice you can stand between the bright midday sun and the pale full moon. * I may have been born to multi-task. * There is such a thing as "too much snow" when you have a car. * There is such a thing as 24/7 contact lenses. * There is such a thing as "too much TV". * I am one of the few people in Finland who can sing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". * I can drop my Nokia phone in a snow drift and have it returned to me 4 hours later (in full working condition) by a kind stranger. * 2009 was supposed to bring me dreams for life. I started to dream at night - of fascinating, strange landscapes.

2009: swiss trains, google earth and all the rest, part 3

My, it was a long year. I also learned: * When you are in a boat and fear drowning - feel the wood beneath your bare feet, smell the fresh tar and the salty sea, see a tiny baby blink towards the sun, anticipate the taste of grilled whitefish, and suddenly it does not matter if this will be your last day on earth. * I live more intensely when I feel weak. * French rock opera sounds best in a little cottage in the woods. "Je voudrais seulement m'en aller cultiver mes tomates au soleil." * Friendship is sweetest when you watch the midnight sun together with hair wet after a swim in the sea and heart warmed by a bottle of red. * Baby hares are unafraid, cranes are echo-makers and it must be tough to be an eagle because all the other birds hate you. * Jurassic Park is a tiny island just off the Finnish coast. The dinosaurs stayed in hiding during my visit though. * Sailboat races are difficult to watch when your 9-year-old niece is running around chasing a boy and your elderly mother just spotted her high-school sweetheart in the crowd. * I never made promises lightly and there have been some that I've broken, but this summer I did walk through fields of barley. * Snakes and poodles are attracted to one another. * I like naïve art and bright colours and if I could paint I would paint Time and Space. * Selling books make your knees hurt. * Class reunions are scary, some monsters never grow up, some monsters were never monsters at all, I was never defeated and there is true Goodness in the world. * Sleep is sweetest under the stars. * Spiders do not like it when you paint their wall. Neither do wasps. * Hospitals are not so depressing if you wear red leather. * Never get involved in the sale of a chihuahua. Especially if the dog is not yours. * RyanAir tries to ruin your life but God literally knows why so everything turns out for the best. * Best thing about work: ordering music and making people happy. Worst thing: taking it personally when John Lennon in orange wig and tartan beret lies to you. * You should not stand with your mouth open when Google Earth (Street View) takes your picture. * Environmental activists with questionable ethics can express themselves in English with my help. * Our local theatre only do plays that involve loads of suffering. * If you go to two parties and eat too much banoffee pie before bed you will dream about a blind date with Jose Manuel Barroso. * Happiness is travelling 500 miles in one day with God-fearing people.

2009: swiss trains, earthquakes and all the rest, part 2

Some more acquired wisdom courtesy of year 2009:

* Easter bonfires inspire people to matchmaking.
* Having the authority to delegate means more work for yourself.
* Springtime should be enjoyed with lots of mud, snow melting in the sun, a good friend and an abandoned Russian military base in the middle of the woods. Hot chocolate to round it all off.
* I must make my bed in the mornings to be ready for life. And dress dramatically.
* Surprise birthday parties entail googling ginger, Kvimo and the best ways to crucify a scorpion.
* One cannot die from self-disgust. Unfortunately.
* Barbecue on the beach is lovely even when you are freezing your butt off.
* The ancient Finnish ritual of the huge May Day market in the city, with traditional makkara and muikkuja, should be celebrated with Russian, Lithuanian and Kenyan friends and lots of youthful exuberance. You may end up feasting on Vietnamese spring rolls and wondering whether it is really a lion tooth that your Kenyan friend has pierced her earlobe with.
* Saturday night at the emergency room means friends with swine flu fear, bleeding drunks, a security guard who would not scare a four-year-old, icehockey on TV, reading Town & Country.
* Earthquakes do happen even in Finland. My first, of 3.4 on the Richter scale, was bone-jarring but hardly frightening and I blamed it on mystical experiments in the prison dungeons next door.
* I am the bowling champion. Of my ladies' volleyball team. But still.
* I have strange friends. They get tied up in the trunk of cars, walk through Middle East deserts and play golf in the Himalayas.
* Barbecue on a balcony overlooking a garden is lovely even though Pakistani friends are happily ignoring Finnish fire safety regulations.
* Boat trips to deserted islands involve excited kids, big boulders, ominous great cormorants, picnics with coffee and biscuits, rain.
* "Listen to the wind words, the Spirit blowing through the churches." (The Message Bible)
* Star Trek films should be watched in the company of two unknown Dutch boys.
* Smile less, laugh more.
* I am more scared of bears and elks now than when I was a kid.
* My city (population 57 000) now has its first street beggar. The local paper reported it.
* My flat once belonged to a real ship's captain.
* A family holiday on a Swedish island is like this: windmills, poppies, kids and dogs, stone walls, adorable things, lighthouses to be climbed, childhood traumas resurfacing, birds of prey, iron age forts, picnics in cow fields with views, seaweed, fossils, basketball, ex tempore comedy, food or coffee that can cure almost anything, George MacDonald's Phantastes.

2009: swiss trains, dying stars and all the rest

Goodbye 2009. Here is what I learned from you: * A serious chocolate tasting party takes a LOT of time but not necessarily a lot of chocolate. * I am competent enough to discuss Obama, cricket and Swiss trains with a pastor from The Co-operative Republic of Guyana. * Stars can stop shining as you are watching. * Some broken computers can be fixed by being plugged in. Others require tormented phone calls to strange men speaking strange languages. * Metal wires are not necessary even in my mouth after all. * Selling books to village libraries is hard work because the libraries do not have lifts and are always located on the second floor. * FaceBook may be the greatest invention of the 21st century. If I can manage to find the long-lost love of my life and not just every other person I ever met. * TV-series on DVD may be the second greatest invention of the 21st century. If I can manage to drag myself away to do an objective assessment. * I have some very strange friends who look for lions, create magical labyrinths and move to Havana. * All the best things in life are free. Like my unpaid labour when I do volunteer work. * My hair is curly. I never knew that before. * The best dreams I ever had are the ones in which I'm travelling. Or being chased through dark, winding corridors. * My body is aging. My stomach does not like onions and my right knee does not like me. * Old scarred fighters from London's East End sometimes end up growing roses for Sunday school children. * The wind is very cold on a frozen sea. * Birdsong makes me happy. Volleyball makes me frustrated. Wine makes me happy or bored. Coffee makes me happy, every day, which is in itself a miracle - I should have more such addictions. * St. Patrick's Day can also be celebrated with brambrack, mother, my old maths teacher and only one pint of cider. * Heavy metal music can occasionally be enjoyable, but the mood must be exactly right. * FaceBook must be the worst invention of the 21st century. Sometimes I want to write in my status update: "I don't give a shit what all of u have on ur mind & why do some of u think the rest of us want ur update 10 times a day to know u have a headache and a bellyache and a heartache & are correcting essays and writing essays & were given a song by Jesus & want to save the world & shaka bam!" * My stovetop is the best place to sit, to watch the sea and contemplate life. * "Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is more people who have come alive." (Gil Bailie)

end it with a dash

I sit on a wealth of knowledge - the Norstedts Swedish-English Dictionary - and have a glass of red wine. A handcrafted candle - Christmas present from my niece - is spreading (probably) toxic paint fumes in the room. I have Christmas flowers - hyacinths and hippeastrums. I have contributed to Wikipedia today - only with knowledge. I wish I had the answer to a mystery and was the only one on earth to know - I would write it in my diary just in case I was hit by a snow plough on my way home from work. I would end the entry with a dash like this - so that people would think I had something else to say but it is now lost forever -

here's everything I know about winter

Winter -

twinkling lights, frozen fingers scraping ice off a windscreen, fake fur, darkness and twilight and the wonderful surprise of an occasional sunny day, sleepless nights and drowsy days, hot and spicy tea, the dread of Christmas, cold air, darkness, darkness and more darkness - and then, at last: snow!

sick day note

While on my lonely couch I lie,
I seldom feel myself alone,
For fancy fills my dreaming eye
With scenes and pleasures of its own.
(Anna Brontë)