alien and irresistible

Feeling:

Alien, like Peter Pan ( "He had ecstasies innumerable that other children can never know; but he was looking through the window at the one joy from which he must be for ever barred” ), my own worst enemy and desperately in need of grace, old, damaged, meaningless, LOST, like certain passions of the past mean absolutely nothing anymore.

But also:

Stronger, sometimes beautiful, wise, a better person than I would be otherwise, a drifter, a free spirit ( sometimes ), independent and spontaneous, here and now, in rare moments irresistibly lovable.