red silk unwinds me

Now that I have got myself a Chinese red silk bathrobe and summer is finally announcing its arrival, I will make myself an almond coffee and watch an old John Malkovich movie.

voices down the corridor

Walking down an empty corridor, an endless row of similar doors on each side. Worn and stained carpet. A faint odour of mildew. Murmuring voices behind some of the doors.

Reminds me of a dream. But this is real, this is a hotel.

Getting to know all its rooms, its nooks and crannies, is acquiring control. Knowing the good rooms, the ones to avoid, the one that smells, the one with the funny wallpaper, the one that has been converted to storage space. Deciding which one I would stay in if I had the chance. I walk down the corridor with purpose, jingling my master key.

I know what writer Paul Theroux meant when he wrote about the hotel he managed: "Shared by so many dreaming strangers, every room was vibrant with their secrets... the left-behind atoms and the residue of all the people who had ever stayed in it... Assigning people to such rooms, I believed I was able to influence their lives."

My brother, after millions of business trips, claims that hotel rooms are cold and dreary. But for me, knowing intimately how alive and vital an organism the hotel is and being in the middle of it, the rooms are a quiet and peaceful refuge. Hurrying into an empty room to look for something, I often pause to breathe. Occasionally, on quiet days, the staff sneak into one to watch TV while the boss is away. Sometimes I have been allowed to stay overnight and enjoyed the luxury of marble bathrooms with soft towels and expensive, complimentary cosmetics, or been amused by the bygone-era-atmosphere of rooms too old to be sold to paying customers.

Weary business travellers, elated families on holiday, backpackers, couples in love, people who move in groups, drifters with nowhere else to stay, people with hope in their eyes and others with despair in their entire being. All away from home, for good or for bad, and I can only imagine their feelings and experiences in these rooms.

It's true, in a hotel you really see it all. Cosmos packed into a corridor with doors leading... who knows? And I hold the master key.

five reasons for pianopoeting

Five reasons why I blog...

* I can gush about things others are tired of hearing about already
* I can whine
* I can scream the anguish that I otherwise wouldn't dare to show
* I can confront while avoiding confrontation
* I can meet some of the beautiful people out there...

I am also now an integrated member of the information society.

the janitor is worried

I defrost and deep fry, insert commas in people's writings, send letters saying "pay us or else" and I try to remember to turn the sauna on in time.

I mix three languages and improvise to balance the till. I tell an old lady that she can't see the sea from here. If I forget to give a receipt for the beer bottle I sell, the place might lose its licence.

The janitor is worried that I will leave too many lights on when I lock up for the night but he is not worried at all that one of the gangsters will steal money from the wide-open safe in the wide-open office.

I don't understand any of this either. It's a hotel. All the explanation you need.

i desire strawberries and a chef

Hotel kitchens are sexy.

It's a place where you step into a hot smell of spice and the even hotter stare from macho chefs. A real feminist would have a fit of righteous fury over the lewd remarks that chefs are experts at delivering to any unsuspecting female straying into their male-dominant territory.

But alas, I'm too in love with men to be a successful feminist. It's a game. I'm locked in a cage with a bunch of playful and handsome tigers and I have to be strong, smart and beautiful to survive. If I win the game, a chef will prepare a gorgeous feast just for me, with strawberries for dessert and a promise of more.

A strong, smart, beautiful man who can cook for you. It's enough to make even a feminist swoon.

To my eternal disappointment, this particular hotel kitchen is empty. A surly woman functions as a part-time cook and she is no fun at all.

I still hang out in the kitchen a lot. Listening for the echoes of happier times when food was hot, flirty, dangerous, exhilarating. Waiting and hoping for a genuine chef to arrive.

last thing I remember I was running for the door

Fell through a trap-door in the universe and find myself working in a hotel again.

If that's what it is. It's a place where the janitor is the boss, the building is a former refugee camp and half the receptionists don't speak decent Finnish. Mysterious Russians are the brains behind it all. It has the run-down look of an old gangster movie about it. And a huge bird, a magpie, has built a nest just outside the reception window. I've only seen one magpie in it yet though there should be two. "One for sorrow, two for joy..."

in the company of the warrior princess

Visited the Island. Xena the Warrior Princess lives there nowadays. At least I think it's her, although she is blonde and wearing wellies instead of sandals.

When I arrive after the long drive through forest and across the shockingly tall bridge, spring has painted the sea in glorious colours. The Warrior Princess is changing the tyres on her car and tells me about her upcoming wedding, the wedding she doesn't have the time to plan because she is (more or less single-handedly) restoring the old cottage where she lives.

"The safe feeling of being loved by someone... that is all I really need." The adventurer who tells me this once travelled alone through the darkest parts of Africa and will let nothing stand between her and her dreams. Against everybody's advice, she has almost torn the cottage apart to restore it to its original, beautiful shape. It's still complete chaos, but this girl can make even chaos look welcoming. There are three beautiful cats in the middle of it. One of them is sitting on the laptop.

The car is left standing with only two tyres attached because Xena has spotted something in the attic of the old barn that she absolutely has to investigate right away. So we climb around the ancient attic where the floor threatens to fall apart beneath our feet at any moment. The interesting object turns out to be half an old table and we haul it downstairs at the peril of our own lives.

An elderly man, a genuine soft-spoken Islander and expert on hand-crafted doors, arrives to look at an old door that Xena has found and wants put into the cottage. These old Islanders must be quite shaken up by this blonde tornado that has swept into their little old-fashioned community. Despite this, I have a feeling they can't help but love her. At least they have something to talk about. She has already engaged dozens of them in helping her repair her boat, give advice on the restoration work and tell her all about the history of the Island.

We snack on sandwiches and cheese crisps among the sawdust in the cottage before Xena gets back to sandpapering the walls and trying to persuade me to buy the cottage next door. The idea is too much for me to contemplate.

Driving back across the bridge to the mainland, I'm exhausted as if I had lived a lifetime in one evening.

a little pale and weary

The little Pleasantville (but in pastel colours) where I am temporarily residing is surrounded by a much more authentic village, old little wooden cottages (most of them beautifully restored and now containing all modern conveniances) interspersed among wide fields.

A chilly wind is still blowing across this brownish-grey landscape but the still-weak April sun is persistent and the colour green will soon be taking over. I try to forget my worries and enjoy the sun on the patio, comforting coffee mug in my hand. One of the cats, tiny Mjau, is chasing the first butterflies around my feet.

I am pale, weary. Not sure if I dare believe in a happy summer. Not convinced life has a meaning. But definitely certain that I will take this bleak day and make the best of it - nothing great, probably nothing much worth remembering, but the best I can do. It is enough.

alien in Pleasantville

To the two sleek, grey cats I was a complete stranger who just walked into their house and took out a tin of cat food. They didn't seem to think anything was amiss, just told me loudly how hungry they were.

To the nice, middle-class neighbours in this nice, middle-class residential area, who all have pastel-coloured houses and 2.4 children playing in cute little gardens, I was definitely a complete stranger. I breezed in with a dodgy car, urban sunglasses and a foreign-looking man in tow for a two-week house-sitting. Instead of bringing two toddlers to the park and having a gossip with other mothers in mud-stained clothes, I stay inside typing on a laptop with manicured nails or take the car into town for a latte.

Staying in someone else's house, someone with a stereotypical family life, and my own, quite boring lifestyle suddenly seems eccentric.

not just a pretty face

After a hard day's work of attacking everything that moved and a few things that didn't, exhaustion finally slowed Demolition Dog down enough for an almost decent portrait.

a terrorist in my home

I have a guest staying over the Easter weekend. He is very charming, extremely sociable and somewhat demanding. This morning, he woke me up at 7 am because he needed to go to the bathroom and didn't want to go alone. He won't let me go alone either.

Attempts to catch him on camera failed miserably as he is extremely fast. He always seems to be "exiting stage left". Or right. Or viciously attacking the camera.

As the pictures show, he is something furry and black who likes to demolish newspapers, towels, human toes and anything else that happens to cross his path.

Some would call him a puppy, but personally, I'm convinced he is a cross between a crocodile and the Terminator.

the essence of March

It's not a brain.
It's not vomit.
It's not Cookies'n'Cream icecream.
It's a picture of the dreadful month of March at 63 degrees North.

Melting, filthy snow. Thank God that month is over.

Actually, there might be some vomit mixed in there too.

survived the month of murders

March is the last month of sleep for growing things, says my mother. She always buys a sack of good soil in March and replants all her many potted plants. In April, it's too late, because by then the plants have woken from their winter sleep and started their growing season. And they don't like to be disturbed, pulled up by the roots and shoved into a new pot with new soil, once they have started growing. Or so she claims.

March here at 63 degrees North is a grey and wet affair. The crystal beauty of winter ruined, like a wedding dress that's been dragged through mud. Spring still hesitating behind the corner.

Like my mother's plants, I am half asleep, weary after a long winter, too sluggish to hope for the sun. I survive, barely. My history teacher in school once told me that March is the month of murders and I can see why.

It always seems to happen in March. Half dead, I'm pulled up by the roots and shoved into something new, if only a new way of thinking. It always hurts, no matter how absolutely essential it is for my survival. After a desperate struggle to adjust, I slowly start to notice the spring sun, the world turns on its hinges and my growing season has arrived.

I realise it's more or less too late to replant my own potted plants by now. I go out and buy some shockingly yellow daffodils.

not a very pious prayer

God, are you looking this way?

Was it you who woke me up this morning? Did you see me fight my way out of the anguish to get ready for another day? Were you trying to say something when I blocked out the words of everyone? Was it you who dragged me out the door? Did you try to get my attention with a ray of sunshine that made me wince? Were your words whispered in the mumbling of strangers in the street? Were you insistently making my phone ring when I tried to turn it off? Was it you who made me pull out my hair and shed tears of frustrated longing? Were you paying attention when I screamed? Are you the one who walked past me and made eye contact? Did you block my way and force me to look at you?

Are you laughing at me or are you saying my name, over and over again? Am I trying to get your attention or are you seeking mine? Am I cursing your name or desperately scrambling to get close?

I fight you. I cry for you. I hate you. I love you.

You shake me. Shock me. Force me. Deny me. Teach me. Protect me. Die for me. Cherish me. Love me. Love me. Love me.

a planet came looking for me

When I looked out towards the sea this evening there was the crescent moon with Venus again. If that is really Venus, that is - I should find out but my mind is too weary to go look for facts that I should know. Another thing to feel guilty about.

The sky was beautiful, that crescent and planet against the pink-gold sunset, and I was surprised to see it because I didn't deserve it. I have been languishing here in my grey prison for weeks with neither the energy nor the will to break out and I have come to expect nothing more. Sometimes I ask God and all other powers there be to do something, to break down these walls, but in the next moment I accept that he will do nothing of the kind because I can't, won't, help myself. Sunken into a stupor, I have accepted that grey walls are what I will be seeing for the rest of my life.

But then. The gentle light of a crescent moon, a shard of lunar glass. A rich cascade of sunset colours too valuable to waste on someone like me. A planet who has broken orbit and travelled closer to the earth just to show me that there is brilliance in the universe that I have yet to discover. They refuse to be ignored. Jolted out of my private room of misery, I stare in disbelief.

Just for me?

in the valley of the shadow of death

The silence is deeper than ever. Deafening. The dust settles slowly.

Death is still way ahead. I'm only walking in its shadow.

staring too long into the abyss

Staggering at the edge of the abyss, see it staring back at me. Is it reality I'm losing or is reality not real? If I step through the looking-glass, will I be more alive?

This world keeps ignoring me. Fine. See what I care. After a life of frugality, I will throw away my last penny on temporary comforts.

I just want to be alive.

beloved blood of my blood

Family get-together.

Wayward brother smelling of alcohol.
Two grandmothers trying to find common ground, one a globetrotter and wine connoisseur, the other a traditional, stay-at-home teetotaller.
A five-year-old doing his utmost to look under women's skirts.
Everyone embarrassed about what to say to the young cancer victim.
Siblings who never see each other trying to think of something to talk about.
Young cousins breaking each others' toys.

Surprisingly, a warm feeling. Family. Home. I belong. Count your blessings. And for God's sake, distract that five-year-old.

feminist skies tonight

Venus and the crescent Moon together in the sky. Two symbols of womanhood.

Perhaps I have just been reading too much feminist literature. Fretting over the injustices of the world in general towards women. The burden weighing more heavily still on my frail shoulders.

Be beautiful (read: skinny), be sexy and available and show a lot of skin, be not-too-smart, behave as females have been expected to behave the last couple of millennia. Raise your daughters to be cautious, wary, conformist, insecure, enemies of their own body and feelings. Make sure they feel worthless if they do not conform to all of the above.

On the other hand, the sign in the sky tonight may just be telling me to move to Turkey.

swearing and longing

Up before dark. Strong coffee. Translate political commentaries from the weird language of Finnish to the bizarre language of Swedish. Swear. Email sister in despair. Eat chocolate.

Longing to go to the second-hand book shop. To the jeans shop. To the American-style coffee shop.

Another day is well underway.