the trade was good today

You gave me an orange, I gave you coffee. You gave me an account of hospital life, I gave you a beach walk. You gave me a meaning for today's life, I gave you a sympathetic ear.

You left while singing I'm trading my sorrow, I'm trading my shame... I was left with a feeling of peace and joy.

random and August observations

* ABBA's music is silly and I wouldn't listen to it voluntarily. And when I'm forced to, I can't help but love it.
* I have a wrapped present and no-one to give it to.
* When we are old, my friend and I will climb a tree (like this) and drink Australian Shiraz and laugh at life's troubles.
* When I want to be left alone, I must remember to dress entirely in black. And I look good in black too.
* Making someone happy doesn't mean compromising your integrity - do it some other way.
* Pointless nostalgic, that's me.
* Books I'm reading at the moment talk about: shame; living life slowly; freakonomics; the Order of the Phoenix; death; death again.
* Story I want to write: The tale of a thousand lighthouses.
* Stuff I want to google but never get around to: the songs of Nordman and Thoby Loth; lyrics of Don't You Love Me No More; English words I should know; the plot of novels I've read and forgot; video clips of people I admire; blue IKEA furniture; guesthouses in Brussels; how to change the language setting of my blog spellcheck; the song I once sang in a storm about I'm alive, take a breath; the wanna-be Olympic athlete who once sat on me and tried to gouge my eyes out - did she make it to Beijing this year?
* Website I want to come across accidentally while googling the above: blog of long-lost love of my life.

(Picture by Inge Löök)

softness in the air around me

Back to the desk although it's not as beautifully located as this one (which is my summer desk).

Sometimes I'm glad I'm getting older. New tasks, new responsibilities and new people are no longer as frightening as they once were. Not only because I'm better at believing in myself. But also because I've realised I don't always have to take everything so bloody seriously.

And I have new shoes which make me walk on clouds, and a new pair of velvety trousers which make me believe the world is oddly soft and comforting after all.

black hole found

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had."
(C.S.Lewis)

I trespassed today. It was meant to be. I cycled to the end of a lonely road, past a rooster and three fishermen, and found myself by a fence surrounding an old abandoned factory. Conveniently, there was a hole in the fence.

There were huge buildings on the factory premises. Now, extremely large and weird constructions, like towers, radio masts and silos, that sit in the middle of nowhere, are spooky. There are few things that unnerve me as inexplicably as wandering through the woods, for example, and suddenly finding myself at the foot of a tall radio mast that hums eerily and seems completely alien. These strange buildings had the same effect on me. There was something that looked like a brick fortress with unexpected ladders leading up to tower windows that had been broken eons ago. Other constructions like great halls, covered in warnings about explosive substances. Suddenly, about a million birds hanging out on the roof came swooping down and almost freaked me out.

But to prove to them that I wasn't scared, I went closer.

And I found an open door. I took one look inside and backed away. There was one thing only in there - darkness. The kind of darkness that sucks everything into itself and lets nothing back out.

I was lucky to escape. And I succeeded where everyone else has failed. Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby present to you the first picture ever of a black hole.

the place where even bad weather is beautiful

Sun, rest, thunderstorms, playful puppies, good books, bad coffee, family, a fire on chilly nights, swimming in the sea, heat, sparkling water, writing by a candle, fields of gold, eagles, inactivity, wine, fragrance of childhood, home, barefoot in the grass, flying squirrels, wood-heated sauna... and lovely, lovely dreams that took me far beyond space and time.

That's what I call a holiday.

And maybe the best part: coming back to the city with a genuine impatience to restart my life. Not to mention an impatience to finally have a cup of real coffee.

dropping off the radar

What a mercy to be able to sleep all you want. Now all I need is a pile of good books and the wilderness. This girl is going offline for a little while.

tonight's song

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

The promise was, when everything fell, we'd be held

(Natalie Grant: Held)

jumbled riddles

Iron pills, Sunday blues, looking for love, so many people everywhere, microphone, desperately trying to create a cosmos out of my chaos, I want you to take care of me, pesto on bread, a friend's comfort, other people's dreams, African men in a dodgy car, grow up already, a kind word says more than a thousand pictures, no strength to write anything but lists.

Goodbye, weekend in June. If there is a saint named after me, let's celebrate her today.

a thousand times a million doors

The first sweetness of summer and my next-door granny fed me coffee so I'm on an overdose of caffeine and my heart is beating fast and there are paper-cuts on my hands from wrapping gifts in the shop and a stain of golden green on my index finger and I met a group of Methodists who didn't know I once caused their bishop great disappointment and I found a bootleg CD among my private collection and I hope nobody comes to put me in prison because I said that and I also found a picture of myself where I actually laugh and there are three such pictures in existence and I just want to be loved and Sting is singing "a thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves like galaxies in my head" and I KNOW -

lilacs and the good season

Not much writing being done at the moment. Tiredness is wearing me out. Too many people, too many emotions, too little love. My life is no longer only about survival, which gives me too much time to brood on more metaphysical matters.

Yesterday, I fell asleep crying and woke up laughing. There is hope for me yet.

The lilac is in bloom and the sweet fragrance is reminding me that the loveliest season is here. That life can be good and I should sit up and notice.

complementing compliment

Dialogue between friends:

Her: Your views on the complexity of the Trinity are profound.
Him: Thank you. You have beautiful arms.

The latter comment brought more joy to the receiver.

spinning into summer

I need to put my books aside for a while. I need to stop admiring my heroes for their strength and bravery and instead develop my own.

I need to spend more time in the sun. I need to carefully consider my priorities. I need to stop worrying and allow myself to live.

Work and people and escaping reality take all my time and energy. I'm spinning at the moment. Struggling to find my central balance.

And I fear the summer. But I will live, one hour at a time.

Crete concluded

It is easy to stare yourself tired at ancient urns in Crete. Afterwards it is nice to rest your weary ass in an equally ancient olive grove.

to Kydonia with love

I aim for the sun, and for sand in my sandals, and for the fragrance of foreign flowers. I will march to the beat of a different drum. I will bring my very own Greek god home with me. See you all when I return from my Odyssey.

a Thank You day

You smiled and stopped by just to tell me you haven't forgot. Today, that was all I needed. Thank you.

My foot is better and the weekend went by in a happy haze of sun, books, chocolate, wine, the inspiration of a fantastic friend. I feel creative.

the landing is never easy

Jumping, in volleyball, is really flying. At least when you put your heart and every little one of your muscles into it and forget about everything except hitting that ball. Feels like being up there in the air forever.

And then you land on your team mate's foot and you try not to land at all but inevitably feel your ankle twist. And hurt.

Happened to me yesterday, and now I hobble around with a cane as my new best friend. But people are giving me sympathy and chocolates and I get to lie on the couch and read books.

the risks of life and Thai soup

Snow and hot springtime sun.
I have received some information that I really didn't need or want, and other information that made me giggle like a maniac.
Sunday lunch at a hotel.
A new friend.
Dipped my purse in Thai soup.
A highly distressing disagreement in the family that almost made me run screaming out of the room and never return.
I have realised that there are some things your near and dear ones will never understand or accept about you.
And that you can never fully trust anyone, not even those you really, really want to be perfect and never let you down.

But that's OK. As long as I know. And as long as I still have hope and dare to try. Yes, it is a cliché but it is true: loving is worth the risk.

PS: I ate the Thai soup after dipping my purse in it. It was still tasty and my purse only smells a little of lemon grass.

to see a world in a cup of tea

Day two: A walk in town among Saturday shoppers, many familiar faces around.

Registered for a lottery where you can win travel tickets but ruined my chances with a sarcastic comment on the registration sheet. The sun was shining. The city always wears me out - all these people who seem to either be happier than you or need something from you.

But ran into an angel whom I invited for tea and chat to my place this evening. Thus I managed to avoid another Saturday evening alone. Inspired, I sent a text message to another lonely person and invited her too. We invisible people can at least have each other to look at.

The rest of the afternoon, curled up with a blanket in the sunshine on the balcony, reading about the olives, sheep cheese and thyme honey of Crete. Surprisingly peaceful mood. The visit to the Chinese restaurant on my way home from town might have accomplished that - I ordered some spring rolls for take-out and the little Chinese matron placed a steaming cup of green tea in front of me while I waited. The fragrance of the tea, the very un-Finnish red-and-gold wallpaper of the restaurant, and the murmured conversations of the few lunch guests briefly brought me to another world.

Sometimes that's all I need for happiness.

boring notes

Having a few weeks off from the shop, for "administrative" reasons. Suits me, since I'm exhausted.

Curious to see how I will cope with all this leisure time. From this perspective, day one, it seems like paradise, complete with books to read and coffee to drink. But I won't let myself be fooled - I know what the combination of too high expectations, a slight depression and an inability to wind down can do to me. I can already see signs, like the obsessive cleaning I did yesterday... definitely NOT my style.

So for some vague reason I decided to take notes and make a careful study.

Day One: Good so far. Slept in, big breakfast and lots of coffee. Watched a film (United 93. Cried). Some light-weight work at the computer so I can feel good about myself. Swore at the printer. Counted my money. Realised it's time to do the tax return and broke out in a cold sweat. By now it's late afternoon and I'm hungry and trying to fight the slight suspicion that the whole world is out to get me.

my habits contradict me

Wonder how many skewed images of myself I carry around in my head?

I think of myself as shy, reserved, even a bit anti-social at times. Somewhat lonely, not the type who surrounds herself with friends. But someone asked me how many new friends I have made during the last six months (which were pretty average months in my life) - and by friends meaning people I make an effort to meet up with again, or at least people I let through my carefully guarded mental barriers somehow. People who are not yet my close friends, but who I know share my desire to get to know each other better. And I am by no means the kind of person who tries, or even wants, to "make the whole world my friend".

I counted at least ten. That's nearly one a fortnight. Not bad for an anti-social loner.

The wise person I quoted a couple of blog entries back has also said that character is the sum of your habits. For example, you can't claim to be a kind person if you don't have the habit of being kind to others. Conversely, I suppose, I can't call myself anti-social anymore since it's clearly, by empirical evidence, not my habit to be anti-social.

This conclusion annoys me. Now I have to look at other habits and try to face the truth in what they tell me.